Sunday, February 12, 2012

To try or not to try. Your advice desired. Please.

I've come a long way from the last time I posted about doubling my joy and trying for #2. Then, I was terrified of the needles and the high risk screenings and as much as I wanted another child, the process of getting there frankly terrified me.

Not anymore. Now, I regard pregnant bellies with a mixture of nostalgia and longing. I look at them as they press their hands against their lower back and wish for it so bad my arms ache. It's different now ofcourse. I have a toddling child who I love more than air. My heart is full. Still, the heart is a greedy beast.

Getting in the way was my weight. I wanted to be at a healthy weight, which for my height was 149. And as many of you know, this is like the challenge that won't quit as I struggled so long with it. Finally, though, since January, the weight has been peeling off. I'm now 5 pounds away from my healthy BMI.

And today, I ovulated for the first time since I got pregnant with my son.

I'm sharing this here on this site that likely no one reads anymore, because no one can understand this but you. What it feels to realize you ovulated after years of not. I wanted to cry because I was this weight and it was this very month three years ago that I ovulated for the first time ever and had my Speck that never lived past the first trimester. I'm here again. Ovulation is not my given. It's something that is putting me in an emotional tailspin.

My first instinct is to make like rabbits, and try, a normal healthy ovulation is just something I'm not accustomed to seeing. And while ovulation + sex does not always equal baby, for me, each time I had a real ovulation, I did get pregnant. So its not a far stretch that if we try, we'll at least for the time being, conceive. No guaruntees on miscarriages.

Except, I'm five pounds away from my weight loss goal. It's not an easy goal to be so close to and sadly I'm getting there by pretty much subsisting on 800-900 calories a day. I've tried everything, and this is the only thing that gets my weight moving. Not healthy, but working. I can't sustain this if I am pregnant or think I am. Weight loss is more than just a vanity project. I had gestational diabetes, I have insulin resistance, and my blood work shows I'm very much at risk for diabetes and so being at a healthy weight is important.

And I'm in a two bedroom condo in which we can't move. We're house hunting but no guaruntees we'd find it if by the time we'd have a baby.

K, my husband, says its entirely up to me. He says my weight loss has helped me ovulate [which is likely true] and that who is to say I will not ovulate next month and the month after now that I've reached this magic number. He says I could wait. Get my weight down. And then try. The goal was to begin trying in March anyways. But, then, its like looking at a gift, and dumping in the trash.

I mean, I could wait until March? Then again, I'm just five pounds to normal. Just eat 1200 a day until the pregnancy test? And then healthy eating onwards after that? or is it just a risk that's silly to take?

I am so conflicted. I am so scared. I am so confused.

If anyone is reading this, I would love your perspective: In my shoes what would you do?


  1. Great to see your post.

    Hmmm....what would I do? I think I might "try" lightly while still dieting...and then ramp up the calories if to 1200 if I got pregnant...easier said than done....but probably you won't get pregnant the first time you ovulate anyway, so may as well achieve your other goal. Take lots of supplemental folate while you do this, just in case...

    Will look forward to seeing how you decide to proceed!


  2. I also agree with Mo. You won't be harming your baby by dieting in the first two weeks following conception... it won't even implant for the first week anyway. When you know if you are pregnant, you can start eating more. But I ovulated most of the time and didn't get pregnant, so I *never* let an ovulation pass me by without trying. If you are fairly confident you'll continue to ovulate and you'd like to lose 5 pounds first, there's nothing wrong with that either!

    (And FWIW, I was 5 pounds away from my goal weight when I got pregnant with this baby. While we weren't trying, I still knew that pregnancy was a remote possibility, and at only 5 pounds away, I was fine with that.)

  3. Make. Like. Bunnies. Seriously. I know it's frustrating to be so close to your goal, but honestly, it sounds like your body has decided that you're close enough for it to feel healthy. For someone in your position, it sure sounds like ovulation isn't something to be wasted--bunnies, K. Bunnies!

  4. i often thin, you sure have come a long way, when i read your other blog, it's hard to believe you are even the same person, you seem so much happier, so much more complete. i'm so happy little waleed is here. good luck with the possibility of number two!

  5. I so hope you did have a go at it.
    It is precisely like that joke, in which Itzic (I know, stereotype, but let's just let it slide) begs god for years to help him win the lottery, to which God finally replies 'I am doing my best here to help you, but for the love of me, for once, BUY. A. TICKET".
    So, I do hope you bought a ticket. You may not win now, but you don't know before hand. I won with my eighth 'ticket' this last time, and I had no problems with practically anything, it just did not happen despite trying our bestest(est).
    And if you do win, you will figure things out as they come. The house, the weight, everything.
    As for dieting, I would stop if I got a bfp. And keep on the GD diet afterwards. This is what kept me from gaining weight this time again. I still do have GD, and still have to diet and monitor, but I would have been surprised if I didn't... It was for merely 7 points over the limit, which here is 20 points below the normal non-pg limits (95 for fasting, 140 after 1h', 120 after 2h). Aaaaanyway, time to stop making it about mememememe.
    I hope you tried. And that it is time to say: Les jeux sont faits. Rien ne va plus. :-)

  6. Dive in head first and go for it!

  7. I say go for it. :) After all of our Sam's scary heart stuff, I vowed to be done and not try again. But if I had let my fear stop me, we wouldn't have a sweet baby sister sleeping in the next room. I believe God had a plan for every family!

  8. Thanks so much everyone for your insight. Kate, you are right, I feel like a different person. I think of the person I was, and that has changed. It definitely has. *okay choking back tears now* lol

    Mo, I still do blog at another site, will send it to you soon, Susan has it as well. Thanks for your support and advice, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Mina, LOL okay, just an FYI I did buy the ticket ;) Fingers crossed!!!!!

    Thanks Roadblocks, hope you did too! :)

    1. Thanks ERICA!!!

      Also, Mo, It seems that my real name showed up when posting, so follow it over. That's where I am :)