I've come a long way from the last time I posted about doubling my joy and trying for #2. Then, I was terrified of the needles and the high risk screenings and as much as I wanted another child, the process of getting there frankly terrified me.
Not anymore. Now, I regard pregnant bellies with a mixture of nostalgia and longing. I look at them as they press their hands against their lower back and wish for it so bad my arms ache. It's different now ofcourse. I have a toddling child who I love more than air. My heart is full. Still, the heart is a greedy beast.
Getting in the way was my weight. I wanted to be at a healthy weight, which for my height was 149. And as many of you know, this is like the challenge that won't quit as I struggled so long with it. Finally, though, since January, the weight has been peeling off. I'm now 5 pounds away from my healthy BMI.
And today, I ovulated for the first time since I got pregnant with my son.
I'm sharing this here on this site that likely no one reads anymore, because no one can understand this but you. What it feels to realize you ovulated after years of not. I wanted to cry because I was this weight and it was this very month three years ago that I ovulated for the first time ever and had my Speck that never lived past the first trimester. I'm here again. Ovulation is not my given. It's something that is putting me in an emotional tailspin.
My first instinct is to make like rabbits, and try, a normal healthy ovulation is just something I'm not accustomed to seeing. And while ovulation + sex does not always equal baby, for me, each time I had a real ovulation, I did get pregnant. So its not a far stretch that if we try, we'll at least for the time being, conceive. No guaruntees on miscarriages.
Except, I'm five pounds away from my weight loss goal. It's not an easy goal to be so close to and sadly I'm getting there by pretty much subsisting on 800-900 calories a day. I've tried everything, and this is the only thing that gets my weight moving. Not healthy, but working. I can't sustain this if I am pregnant or think I am. Weight loss is more than just a vanity project. I had gestational diabetes, I have insulin resistance, and my blood work shows I'm very much at risk for diabetes and so being at a healthy weight is important.
And I'm in a two bedroom condo in which we can't move. We're house hunting but no guaruntees we'd find it if by the time we'd have a baby.
K, my husband, says its entirely up to me. He says my weight loss has helped me ovulate [which is likely true] and that who is to say I will not ovulate next month and the month after now that I've reached this magic number. He says I could wait. Get my weight down. And then try. The goal was to begin trying in March anyways. But, then, its like looking at a gift, and dumping in the trash.
I mean, I could wait until March? Then again, I'm just five pounds to normal. Just eat 1200 a day until the pregnancy test? And then healthy eating onwards after that? or is it just a risk that's silly to take?
I am so conflicted. I am so scared. I am so confused.
If anyone is reading this, I would love your perspective: In my shoes what would you do?