At the grocery store I stared at the sushi. My strict diet limits what I can eat but sushi at about 450 calories could work especially on a Friday, the end of a long week filled with play dates and chasing a toddler learning the art of tantrums. I plucked it in the cart. What if I'm pregnant? I wondered. And yet, I'm not even planning to test until Monday. At my doctor's physical planned strategically to avoid me going mental over purchased pregnancy tests. It should be fine I reasoned.
W took off his shoes in the car and flung them. A series of days of nausea and fatigue preceded today, uterine pulls and twitching making me feel more confident that something was happening. Two and a half years apart, I counted out. I wondered how my son would react to a sibling. How I should start potty training him soon. How they'd go to elementary school together. How I wondered if I'd have more. And then about my weight, and how its two pounds to normal BMI and well, that will all go to crap now won't it. But it was worth it.
And then I stepped out of the car and felt like I peed my pants. Blood. Not a minor spotting and then flow of a period but heavier and redder with small clots.
It came early. And I don't need two lines on a pregnancy test to know what this is.
It's entirely possible I'm wrong. Either way, there was no heart beat flickering on a screen. There was no doctor congratulating me and sending me on my way with a page of appointments. A period or an early. . . it doesn't really make a difference. It means there's no baby this month. I knew to expect this. I know sex doesn't equal baby. I guess the nausea and fatigue, the getting up to pee the past few nights [a thing that only happens in pregnancy for me] and the vivid dreams were just nothing more than what they were. Maybe because I lost my first pregnancy, my Speck conceived this month three years ago. . . that this hurts so much. I am a logical person and I'm telling myself this is just a no for now. . . but for some reason all the grief of infertility and loss is caving in on me, my heart feels broken. I'm embarassed to even say this. Afraid of rolled eyes about my dramatics here. . . but its my truth. It's how I feel.
I guess I won't have to worry as I eat my sushi.