Friday, February 24, 2012

Pregnant or not, when there is no ambiguity

At the grocery store I stared at the sushi. My strict diet limits what I can eat but sushi at about 450 calories could work especially on a Friday, the end of a long week filled with play dates and chasing a toddler learning the art of tantrums. I plucked it in the cart. What if I'm pregnant? I wondered. And yet, I'm not even planning to test until Monday. At my doctor's physical planned strategically to avoid me going mental over purchased pregnancy tests. It should be fine I reasoned.

W took off his shoes in the car and flung them. A series of days of nausea and fatigue preceded today, uterine pulls and twitching making me feel more confident that something was happening. Two and a half years apart, I counted out. I wondered how my son would react to a sibling. How I should start potty training him soon. How they'd go to elementary school together. How I wondered if I'd have more. And then about my weight, and how its two pounds to normal BMI and well, that will all go to crap now won't it. But it was worth it.

And then I stepped out of the car and felt like I peed my pants. Blood. Not a minor spotting and then flow of a period but heavier and redder with small clots.

It came early. And I don't need two lines on a pregnancy test to know what this is.

It's entirely possible I'm wrong. Either way, there was no heart beat flickering on a screen. There was no doctor congratulating me and sending me on my way with a page of appointments. A period or an early. . . it doesn't really make a difference. It means there's no baby this month. I knew to expect this. I know sex doesn't equal baby. I guess the nausea and fatigue, the getting up to pee the past few nights [a thing that only happens in pregnancy for me] and the vivid dreams were just nothing more than what they were. Maybe because I lost my first pregnancy, my Speck conceived this month three years ago. . . that this hurts so much. I am a logical person and I'm telling myself this is just a no for now. . . but for some reason all the grief of infertility and loss is caving in on me, my heart feels broken. I'm embarassed to even say this. Afraid of rolled eyes about my dramatics here. . . but its my truth. It's how I feel.

I guess I won't have to worry as I eat my sushi.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Two Week Wait

First, WOW you're still here!!! Thank you!!!! I listened to your advice, and well, we tried. My ovulation used to last three days or so, whenever it deigned to arrive, but this time it was for just 24 hours. I'm glad I took advantage of the window. Nothing is a given, least of all this. As you guys suggested, I'm sticking with my diet, and should I be lucky enough to see two lines two weeks from yesterday, I will eat well, exercise, and generally not eat whatever the heck I want during pregnancy which is what I did last time. We shall see what happens, but I'm well aware, anything beyond the child I already have is just whipped cream and sprinkles on an already wonderful situation.

No matter what, I'm not letting myself slide back to the depression that dominated me on the road to my son. . . I didn't realize I was in such a dark place until I emerged. In the back of my mind I worry about a miscarriage and how I will handle it. But I can't look to the what if's. I just have to go forward and hope for the best.

Some of you mentioned it had been a while, and I am still blogging, but at my other spot, my non-anonymous one, if you click on the comments to the previous post, I replied to comments using my other blog information. So if you'd like, see you there too :)

Okay, here's to hoping I can manage to be calm, serene and the very image of Buddha these next two weeks. Right. :)

Sunday, February 12, 2012

To try or not to try. Your advice desired. Please.

I've come a long way from the last time I posted about doubling my joy and trying for #2. Then, I was terrified of the needles and the high risk screenings and as much as I wanted another child, the process of getting there frankly terrified me.

Not anymore. Now, I regard pregnant bellies with a mixture of nostalgia and longing. I look at them as they press their hands against their lower back and wish for it so bad my arms ache. It's different now ofcourse. I have a toddling child who I love more than air. My heart is full. Still, the heart is a greedy beast.

Getting in the way was my weight. I wanted to be at a healthy weight, which for my height was 149. And as many of you know, this is like the challenge that won't quit as I struggled so long with it. Finally, though, since January, the weight has been peeling off. I'm now 5 pounds away from my healthy BMI.

And today, I ovulated for the first time since I got pregnant with my son.

I'm sharing this here on this site that likely no one reads anymore, because no one can understand this but you. What it feels to realize you ovulated after years of not. I wanted to cry because I was this weight and it was this very month three years ago that I ovulated for the first time ever and had my Speck that never lived past the first trimester. I'm here again. Ovulation is not my given. It's something that is putting me in an emotional tailspin.

My first instinct is to make like rabbits, and try, a normal healthy ovulation is just something I'm not accustomed to seeing. And while ovulation + sex does not always equal baby, for me, each time I had a real ovulation, I did get pregnant. So its not a far stretch that if we try, we'll at least for the time being, conceive. No guaruntees on miscarriages.

Except, I'm five pounds away from my weight loss goal. It's not an easy goal to be so close to and sadly I'm getting there by pretty much subsisting on 800-900 calories a day. I've tried everything, and this is the only thing that gets my weight moving. Not healthy, but working. I can't sustain this if I am pregnant or think I am. Weight loss is more than just a vanity project. I had gestational diabetes, I have insulin resistance, and my blood work shows I'm very much at risk for diabetes and so being at a healthy weight is important.

And I'm in a two bedroom condo in which we can't move. We're house hunting but no guaruntees we'd find it if by the time we'd have a baby.

K, my husband, says its entirely up to me. He says my weight loss has helped me ovulate [which is likely true] and that who is to say I will not ovulate next month and the month after now that I've reached this magic number. He says I could wait. Get my weight down. And then try. The goal was to begin trying in March anyways. But, then, its like looking at a gift, and dumping in the trash.

I mean, I could wait until March? Then again, I'm just five pounds to normal. Just eat 1200 a day until the pregnancy test? And then healthy eating onwards after that? or is it just a risk that's silly to take?

I am so conflicted. I am so scared. I am so confused.

If anyone is reading this, I would love your perspective: In my shoes what would you do?