Friday, April 1, 2011

The anatomy of a brownie- and a craving

Michele, you were right. There is benefit in paying attention to why we overeat. I thought I indulged in sweets because they tasted good and so I wanted them. While this is a BIG part of it- I realized last night there is more to it. It wasn't actually the brownie- its still sitting on the counter- feel bad throwing it away but its likely stale so no use eating it- will toss it after I write this- but it was actually these ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. They are a low-fat Skinny Cow mega-pack I bought weeks ago at Sam's Club. Because I'm avoiding sugar- though they are low-fat I am not eating them- plus they have so many preservatives- its unsettling.

Evening neared- K asked me if I wanted one as he got one out of the freezer. I said no. But it was a very wavering no after an entire day of being good and strong and sticking with the plan. As the evening wore on, I kept thinking of it. The ice cream sandwich- how it wasn't a big deal- 140 calories, a tiny bit of sugar really- and I needed to wean off sugar- not just cut it cold turkey- and I wanted it- around 11 I finally asked K, "can you bring me the ice cream sandwhich" and he looked at me and said, "but its so late, we're about to sleep" and I nodded, duly chastened.

Went to sleep, woke up, and the craving is gone and I'm SO glad I didn't have it.

My evening hours after dinner are my weakest hours. They always have been. I can look back to sneaking out when I was 15 to go to the fridge and eat leftovers. I always say I have a bad metabolism but looking back at how I ate- I'm beginning to think it wasn't that bad. There is something maybe rewarding about it- like those calories don't count- though they do in the worst ways.

Now I know- its not that I want the ice cream or the other crap, its that I feel like I want it- they aren't the same thing. When I'm denying it- my mind is doing the talking. When I'm indulging, its my baser instincts. I hope this will help- realizing this not for the first time, but in a more profound way.

The thing is I CAN DO THIS. Not just back in the day, but now. I had gestational diabetes and I abstained. I did it because I had to. I fast during Ramadan, not tempted by so much as a french fry. I can do this- I need to believe I can.

Coming up next its Friday, the weekend- the worst worst time for me to diet -gatherings where dessert is part of the fare and everyone will notice you not take a bite [and you feel embarassed since you've been this weight all tehse years diet or not dieting so you think they're mocking you in their heads and you think 'I'll have a bite'] If you're reading and have any tips for handling outings and weekends- I'd love to hear. This weekend? A kid's birthday party with Publix sheet cake- I even indulged when I had GD on a slice at my baby shower- Oi.

Thanks for reading and your support.


  1. Yep - I hear you. I was so much better about things like this at other times in my life. Until now - until breastfeeding, I've never been a 'snacker'. Eating between meals? I simply didn't usually even want to. But these days? If I can come up with an excuse to go to the kitchen, I will, and if I go to the kitchen, I'll walk out of there chewing something.

    ANd, yeah, some of it is that I'm physically hungry (how else could I be eating like this and NOT gaining weight) but some of it is merely that I have a lot more free time than I'm used to having, my day gets fragmented into oddly shaped bits, due to baby naps & the unpredictability thereof, and of course, there's the sleep deprivation that makes a bit of sugar at 2. or 4. or 6 (or all three) seem like The Very Best Idea EVER.

    I'm not THAT hungry. And Henry's definitely nursing less these days, now that food is his friend again. So it's time to pay attention. Time to do it.

    Question for you - how much weight are you trying to lose? I'd love to get down to my "oh, I like how I look!" weight of about 125 - that's 30 POUNDS, and I'd really like to drop at least 15 pounds by the end of May. Interested in being weightloss buddies? I'm ready to do this calorie counting thing, and could use someone to keep me honest & accountable... I'll check in every day if you will! (I say as I prepare to host a hobbity feast for a few Lord-of-the-Rings friends all day long tomorrow. Oi, indeed!)

  2. Weekends are hard, much harder than weeks. I find being good on Monday's FAR easier than Saturdays. My answer has generally been to loosen things a touch within my present diet plan. I don't go OFF diet at weekends but I have more wiggle room.

    Also I have discovered lots of lovely things that make me feel treated without being high calorie. For example at the moment when I want a treat I have frozen grapes. Take AGES to eat and taste like sweets. If I want an extra treat I have them mixed with fresh yoghurt. The yoghurt freezes and its like grape ice cream. Or instead of grapes try cherries or strawberries or raspberries.

    And YAY to the I CAN DO THIS. You really can. (But not perfectly) x

  3. Oh honey, I hear you! I ate THREE chocolate chewies from Whole Foods last night after dinner. I wasnt hungry but the emotional craving took over. I felt enormously guilty afterwards and had to remind myself that I am not the sum of my food habits... That it was a moment of weakness and I just needed to give myself a break and move on. Couldnt un-eat it after all!! But sometimes it is so tough!! And once we make the decision to eat better, I sometimes think those evil monkeys on our shoulders come out in full force!