Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The OB appointment

Jeez has it been that long since my last post? Me of the two posts a day? Each night as I try to drift off to sleep I compose long eloquent posts in my head but somehow these thoughts haven't been making it to an actual post.

The OB post-partum appointment went OK. They didn't check my blood sugars because I wasn't fasting and it had to be a two hour test. No one had told me this and no one seemed particularly in a hurry to get me checked for this. The OB told me just to do that on my next annual check up. I was terrified of the pelvic exam. T.e.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. I heart my OB but that woman checks me out down there like she's working on a car and I'm usually biting my lip to fight back tears. So naturally I was scared of the pain when she did it, but what actually happened was much worse: it didn't hurt at all. Like, I could hardly tell she did anything. Why aren't you doing cartwheels about this? You might ask. Well, um, (TMI. . . BUT-) how big am I now down there? She said see? It didn't hurt that's because a baby went through you. Yikes. We haven't done the deed since the baby has arrived and our eight year anniversary is Sunday- and um, I'm scared now.

She said that because I have a third degree tear that they would offer me the option of having a C-section next time because the nature of the tear meant I could have a risk of destroying my rectum area (or something like that). She said the risk was low but there. Great. Anyone with a 3+ degree tear have any insight on this by any chance?

I asked for Metformin and she said that since I'm nursing she didn't recommend it. It wasn't bad for nursing she said, but since the reason I'd be on it is to ovulate regularly and I'm not TTC right now, why not wait? I told her my weight is easier to lose when I'm on Met because it regulates my hormones but she said that wasn't a good enough reason to take Met and that nursing should help me get the weight losing boost I need. Sigh.

I asked her if I'd have to have Lovenox the next time (its cracking me up that I'm all assuming a next time but you gotta hope) and she said yes, we can't be sure it was the lovenox that saved this pregnancy but you had two miscarriages without it and one successful pregnancy with it so why rock the boat? She's right, but I guess it means I'll never have an option to have a natural birthing experience.

Our conversation left me wondering for days now, rolling her words over and over my mind, I had a successful pregnancy with it, without it, I miscarried. I have my baby now and I thought once he was here the pain of what I lost would vanish but the holes remain. What if I had lovenox then? What would Speck or Bug have been like? Out of all the combination of us that existed, which one would they have been? Seeing Sunflower, holding him, I'm so grateful and there are moments I'm wistful because he makes their possibilities more real. It's strange to feel that way because if I had them, I would not have him. In fact, because of losing Bug, I have Sunflower. This time last year I was pregnant with Bug though I did not know it at the time. That loss gave me my first normal ovulation ever and it was that cycle that my son was conceived. I shudder to think if I had listened to my OB who told me to wait a cycle before trying again. I shudder to think if I couldn't convince Jack to ignore that recommendation. I still remember that night, pleading. And now he's here. One day I will tell him what we went through to bring him into this world but I'll never guilt him with the shots I took for him or the labor I went through for him because as much as it was for him it was for me. because it was all selfish, so I could melt a million times over holding him in my arms. And he is worth everything.


15 comments:

  1. My doctor didn't retest me either for diabetes!! I ended up pricking my finger last night to see what my bs was because I felt like it might be up but suprisingly it wasn't.

    I want to lose weight too..but not happening while I am still pumping, though I won't be too much longer.

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  2. he is so cute i could just eat him up!!!

    it is a sad thing that you had to lose speck and bug, but that is the way it had to be in order for you to have sunflower and it wasn't your choice, if it was, of course you would chose all three.

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  3. oh, and i'll ask my step-sister about the tear. she planned on having an epidural but by the time she got to the hospital she was too far dialated, she tore in three places (think mercedes symbol).

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  4. Well said, katery.

    He is really cute...he could melt anyone. And, he looks so alert for a 7 week-old!

    As for breastfeeding and weightloss, I'm sure that it is different for everyone, but I do think that the bfing helped me lose some of the weight, but it was a slow process. And then, when I stopped, I lost even more.

    Youur post made me think a lot about a book that I'm reading right now: The Memory Keeper's Daughter. The situation in the book (which is fiction) is completely different, I'll say that. But the book is about the holes that are left by loss and how even though you think certain things should be enough, they don't replace what you lost. It's kind of interesting, although, even if you had the time right now, I don't know that I'd suggest reading it at this point. It's kind of depressing and at 7 weeks post-partum, I know that I didn't need anything else making me emotional. Maybe something for the future, if you haven't already read it...

    Glad that you survived your check-up, and I'll hope that DTD turns out better than you think it might!

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  5. Sounds like all was well. He sure is a cutie pie!

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  6. He is worth everything. He's so lovely. :)

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  7. Aw he is so cute & worth everything you went through. I'm so glad you listen to your gut!

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  8. I love everything raisingbrainchild said. Really, I just feel like saying ditto! Loss really does create holes that can't be filled by other things. I think the pain of the loss can be softened, but not eliminated.

    So glad to hear that you're check up went well in terms of pain. Hopefully you'll rebound physically relatively quickly and find yourself exactly where you want to be.

    And he is adorable!

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  9. my step-sister said, and i quote,
    "my doc didn't say anything about a c-section for my next delivery, but you can bet your ass i'll be asking about it if i do find myself knocked up again." she still has some um, issues from her tear.

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  10. He is just adorable!

    Don't know about the tear, but I do know sth about GD. I talked to my GD doc and she told me that the test after birth should take place some 3 months after, when hormones are (supposedly) gone and the body is more or less back to normal. And the key to not get it later on in life (and even a slight chance of not getting another GD experience, in the lucky case of a 2nd pregnancy) is an active life, with lots of sport. Hope it helps.

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  11. So, so beautiful :)

    And, I understand your thoughts re Lovenox.

    And - I had a fourth degree tear. I still might need more surgery to repair the damage, and the dr. said to vaginal birth for me ever again because it would likely do so much damage. Ugh! But worth it, right ;)

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  12. I have no insight on the tear, though I'll say I had a bad one with Lemy and didn't tear at all with Jasper--you never know. Glad that the appointment went well. He's getting so big and he is so handsome! :)

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  13. He is just so beautiful....and I am SOOOO dreading my follow up. Just so dreading it. And nothing even came out of me during labor...but so many hands that probed me during those days I just can't bear the thought. Was considering not going at all, but I'm required to be 'cleared' to return to work by my doc.....

    *sigh*

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