Saturday, January 29, 2011

Friendship and my fundamental flaw

I can't believe how long its been since I last posted here. I just found comments waiting for moderation from so long ago- I feel bad. I'm sorry I've let my sunflower blog collect dust and gather weeds. Most of my blogging is on my longer-standing non-private blog.[ If you want the link just leave a comment or an e-mail, and its okay to link to both blogs I saw three people asked that- thank you so much for double checking].

I began posting this on my other blog but then realized that the people who I am writing about read that blog religiously and will likely recognize themselves and the last thing I want to do is begin a passive-aggressive dialogue with them. So I bring the issue here- to my safe space and yet I know I hardly post here so I sort of feel like I'm standing in a field talking to my echo. If anyone is still around- thanks for listening.

I have a serious fundamental personality flaw. I cannot stand fakeness. I cannot stand hypocrisy. Now this might sound like the equivalent of saying I work too hard when asked of personal weakness at a job interview, but I do perceive this as a flaw. I really cannot stand insincerity. It pisses me off, it makes my stomach hurt, it makes me want to never be friends or speak to the person again.

And yet, I dont know if its my luck or this is how humans work, I run into this over-and-over again. I have a friend, D. She's been my friend for 4 years now and her and her husband are our go-to couple for an evening out, or to catch a movie with. D will call me sometimes after we meet someone new and talk them in a very negative way. "I can't stand A- she's so annoying- have you heard her voice? She is so weird." and on and on. Then she'll turn to another person with a similar negative take on them. And then- she'll turn around and invite them to her house for a party, and rush over to their house for a dinner party too though she'll be sure to call afterwards to tell me how weird the host was. And- I just. don't. get. it.

I saw today that she's having a superbowl party and on her e-vite she invited two people she purportedly can't stand. I texted her, "oh you're inviting them?" and she responded "ofcourse, why wouldn't I?"

Oh I don't know. Because you say you can't stand them on a regular basis?

Yet this seems to be the way of the world. Every time I make friends this happens. You hear them talk shit about other people. You hear them say cruel things. And then you look on facebook and they're talking about how much they miss them, and you see pictures of them arm in arm- and- I just. don't. get. it.

If I say I don't like someone then it means that while I will be polite to them if I encounter them, I will not invite them to my home, I will not coo over them, I will not write on their facebook walls how awesome they are. Similarly, if you are wrong to me, I will always be polite to you- but I will never forget it and in my heart you are closed to me forever.

And yet- the longer I live the more I see that the rest of the world doesn't operate like this. And my friend D's actions are making me so angry even though she's not the first to behave this way and won't be the last. Even though D hasn't done anything to me, her actions now make me want to have nothing to do with her. And yet- our husbands are friends- we have mutual friends- so I can't do it. I can't drop contact. I have to smile. And I have to be polite. And in turn become a hypocrite. Become Fake. And its making me so angry. Can you see how this is truly a personality flaw now?

I just wonder sometimes if I'm one of the only ones or if really there are far more sincere people than otherwise, I've just had really bad luck.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone. - Lance Clayton- 'World's Greatest Dad'


  1. I had a brief period in my life where I actually liked every single one of my friends. It was great.

    Now I have people that I have to be friends with to keep the peace. I have to play nice and act happy to see them. I have to invite them to my house when I invite other people. I don't like doing it, but it's for the greater good. I had a friend that I broke up with and it created stress for lots of other friends, so I made up with her and the mutual friends are happy because they can invite both of us over at once. I deal with it and play nice. It doesn't mean that I like it, but I like my other friends enough to do it.
    So you're not the only one. I don't feel like a hypocrite when I am fake nice to her or others that I feel the same way about. I think this is a case where the ends justify the means - in the end, the people I care about are happy. Even if I have a fake smile on my face and I'm telling some girl that it's great to see her.

  2. Makes you wonder what D is saying when YOU're not around.

  3. nope, that's exactly how i feel too. sometimes i wish i weren't like this as it seems to mean that i have less friends. but i guess i've chosen quality over quantity.

  4. I'm with you - once I pick up on the fake-ness, the best I can do is polite avoidance. Polite and friendly if we meet, but try to avoid meeting as much as possible in order to avoid getting sucked into the fake-ness myself.

  5. it is rough to be around so much negativity and fakeness. Like I get that sometimes we have to be nice to people's faces even though we don't like them very much behind closed doors but playing out of everyone's hand like that is just not necessary and indicates that D has insecurities to the point where she needs to feel accepted even by people she doesn't like. The other reason I can't stand that kind of behavior is that you never know where you stand with those kinds of people. Life is too short.