Friday, November 26, 2010

Thoughts on doubling joy

If anyone still reads this, just a note that this is about kids and might be the type of post I found hurtful or painful when I was in the trenches of IF.

Once upon a time I wanted four children. By the time I convinced my husband five years into our marriage, I was content with the idea of three. And then infertility and loss hit me with their anvils and I wondered if I would even get one.

Despite my deepest fears, I have my baby boy. And I am happy. For the first time in a very long time I'm not 'happy considering' or 'happy to the world though my heart is breaking in a million pieces inside." I did not realize it, but the past 2.5 years I was a very depressed person. I look back on some of these posts and I scarcely understand who wrote them? That wasn't me? It was infertility and loss and they had taken over my body and had spread their tentacles over my soul.

And for this reason when I think of adding to the happiness. Doubling my joy. Trying for number two. I feel. . . overwhelmed. I want another child. So does my husband. Its important to us to have a sibling for W if we are lucky enough to conceive again. And this love for W- its like crack- and I'm an unabashed junkie now.


W is my miracle baby. Conceived after a miscarriage when I bucked doctor's order to wait a cycle and just tried before even getting my period- it worked- he's here. He came because my second miscarriage gave me a normal ovulation after five years of wonky ovulation. The first time. Its dumb luck I convinced K to ignore the doctor. Had we waited, I can't be sure if I'd even have a child today.

So the thought of counting cycle days. Having sex and then wondering what may happen. Of Clomid. Of ovary monitoring. Metformin. Lovenox injections. Ultrasound appointments. And the ever present, always present fear of a miscarriage- of something going wrong- I have tears in my eyes as I consider it all. The destination is beautiful- it is marigolds and roses and unicorns- but the journey is scarier than the path to Mordor.

And I want so badly to try again. And I'm scared so badly too. Scared to relinquish my joy for worry once more. Scared of the waiting. The wondering. I'm sorry to sound graphic but if I have one more fetus slip through my body onto a cold floor I don't know if I can handle it.

But I have to handle it. I have to get used to blanks on pregnancy tests again. The feeling of failure. And scary doctor visits. I have to if I want what I want. Its just scary to consider right now.

I dont know if anyone still reads this but if you have any advice I would appreciate it very much.


  1. I still read but cannot offer much advise--we tried for six years for our first and weren't about to waste $ on bc since it was pointless before, and we got lucky--I started ovulating 6 months after her birth, and conceived naturally w/o any meds this time. I know its not typical, but hopefully when you decide to try again you will have an easier time of it.

  2. I'm not even sure I want to tempt fate and go for number 2 at this point. 2 miscarriages led to an angst-filled pregnancy, and K is so perfect, that I don't know what I'd do if things didn't turn out so well a second time. At this point, I don't think I could go through all the IUIs and meds and IVFs again. I'm not going to go on any BC, and will see what happens (if we ever have sex again). I will stay on my metformin and will probably pay some attention to my cervical mucus, whenever I finally start getting my period again.
    I think at some point the desire for a second will outweigh the fear you'd have to live with.

  3. No advice, just thought I'd post to say that I am with you. I feel the same way. I finally feel truly happy and am not sure if I want to go back to the stress and worry and fear and schedules and needles and doctor's appointments....Actually, I am almost positive that I will. I know we will try again. I want my son to have a sibling and my husband and I want another child. So I know we will try. And I think this time will be different, probably easier, because I have my son. I am happy and so much more busy. Instead of only having the waiting and the worrying and the hoping, I have a child to raise and love. And that has to at least make the time go by faster. So it won't be easy and to be honest, I do not look forward to it. But it will be different this time. Maybe better, maybe easier or maybe not. But definitely different.

  4. No advice, but I'm happy you're working up the courage - for courage it will take! - for another try. Just because W is an absolute miracle doesn't mean you don't deserve many more. Thinking of you & will be following with interest!

  5. After my baby Sam was born, I said I was DONE. His pregnacy was scary because of my miscarriages and his heart diagnosis just before birth. But, for ME personally, I decided that my being scared wasn't a good enough reason to not try again. Because if I had let being scared stop me before, I wouldn't have Sam!

    I know what you mean about the Lovenox, the ultrasounds, etc. etc. etc. It is all a bit overwhelming. But the thought of another human coming into the world is just amazing.

    Follow your heart and you'll do what is best for your family!! And enjoy your little W no matter what! ;)

  6. I am going to leave it in the hands of fate...I am on not birth control and haven't been. I would love to get pregnant again but if I don't, I don't. If I get pregnant and I lose it again...well then I guess it wasn't meant to be. I have Viktor and can't imagine ever falling into a black hole again from the pain of IF and loss, ya know?

    I find the prospect of having another one almost exciting...but who knows if my body would let me.

  7. Being completely honest? I think you should try again, and I think YOU think you should try again... you are just starting to go through the process of emotionally preparing yourself. Not that we ever can emotionally prepare ourselves for infertility/loss in a way that makes it not hurt. But you are in a different place than you were the first time. I know for me, secondary IF was so much easier. I already had my sweet Bean, and if he was it for me, I would be happy as his mama. We also could use what we learned from failure the first time, which helped make our first attempt successful. I've never had a loss, and I know that's different from having trouble conceiving. But I am hopeful that you won't have to endure miscarriage again... and if the worst occurs and you do, you will hold tight to your wonderful husband and beautiful son and get through it together.

    And as I always think of it when I have to make tough IF decisions: which would you regret more in 10 years? Putting yourself through the torture of IF/loss and not ending up with a sibling for W; or never trying for a sibling for W?

  8. I already think about #2, too. I'll be 40 before we can try again, so time is short. Will lightning strike twice? Can I handle it if it doesn't? I just don't know.

  9. If anyone still reads this...who are you kidding?!? You will be forever in my reader!!!

    Considering where we are right now, I don't know if or when I'll be where you are right now, but I can definitely understand how you're feeling. Even if you turn the IF corner and manage to have a baby, I believe babymaking will always be a process that will come with a great sense of trepidation. We just can't take the whole process for granted and surrender to the joy of it all. Our experiences have taught us better.

    The good news is, you've survived so far, and now you know what you are really made of. You know what you can survive and you know what realized potential you may find on the other side. :)

  10. You already know how hard it's going to be if you try again, but this time, all you need to do is look at your first little miracle to remember, there's always hope.

  11. Sorry for replying so late.
    I think you should try again. It might not be easy, but what is, after all? And maybe, just maybe, this time will be simple and easy. I wish it for you with all my heart.

  12. No advice here, but just wanted to let you know I still read!!

  13. Here we are in the same spot again. A very different spot than before, but the parallels are clear. I'm having the same thoughts, I totally get it. It's like a hole in my heart has been filled and I can actually love the present and look forward to the future, it is such a different spot than I've ever been in and not even the prospect of divorce is as dark as where I was pre-Dom.

    But then when and if the fences get mended, can I handle trying again? Can I handle the fear and uncertainty?

    Part of me wants to get pg again as soon as possible because we only want two (well....DH only wants one) and I'd like to achieve that goal and move on with my life, enter a world where sex is for fun and I don't have to live in two week increments of emotional turmoil. But then there's the part of me who thinks I should quit while I'm ahead. Appreciate the miracle I've been given, don't push the envelope, try to bask in this joy for as long as possible, possibly a lifetime.

    It is so scary. But there really is only one way to get there, you have to go through it. So if you and your hubs' hearts are set on more kids, then fulfilling that will be worth the journey. Just like this first journey has been beyond worth it.

    I don't know if I'll ever have another kid. For me it's not pcos, it's a stubborn partner, but it's still a fear. And of course I fear another loss and the psychological and physical pain that accompanies that. And every day I tell myself that it's ok to not know because I have my baby and I am happy and my love for him is, like you say, narcotic and addictive and it fills my heart every time I think about it. And that is enough. If I never have another kid, I am SO blessed to have Dom. No matter what else happens. Hopefully a similar affirmation might work for you.

    And I cannot get over how things worked out for you - specifically the way ignoring the Dr worked like a charm. I have such distrust for some (most?) doctors after the path I've walked and I continue to applaud you for going with your gut. I'm so so happy for you.