Sunday, July 25, 2010

A year ago today

This weekend last year was spent in bed praying that the red spotting would not lead to more. This Sunday last year we went to the ER. As I stepped into the dressing gown I lost my pregnancy on the cold tiled floor. This time last year I passed out from the pain medications. My husband thought I died since it took some time to revive me. This time last year my parents drove up to comfort me as I endured my second miscarriage in nearly as many months.

If I had not had that second pregnancy I would not have had this third. The second miscarriage gave me my first normal ovulation. Two weeks from today, one year ago, I ovulated the egg that became the child sleeping in the Moses basket next to my bed.

I ponder the what ifs on days like today: What if I had listened to my OB and waited a few cycles before trying again. What if I couldn't convince Jack to try that night when ovulation was certain. What if I didn't have lovoenox. Or extra folic acid. Or baby aspirin. What if. What if. What if. The what if's take my breath away. The idea that he could so easily, just by Jack saying no, just by one small twist of fate, this baby would not be here. This living breathing reality that I feel I've known all my life. That I feel was meant to be here from the beginning with such certainty I can't fully comprehend how it almost could possibly not have been. But these are the good kind of what ifs. Not the kind of what ifs that haunted my life this time last year.

I look at my life just one year ago. I read my old blogs at what was and how I felt. I can't believe how much life can change in the course of one year. One year ago I was leaving an ER empty, and now life is more beautiful than words can give justice to.

Thank you to all the powers that be. I hope I will always remember how fortunate I am.


  1. I am sorry for your losses.
    I am happy for you and your baby.
    We never know before hand what precisely in our life influences the course we are meant to take. Sometimes it is so small we can't be bothered to think twice about it. And sometimes it shatters our life completely.

    We share our tears and joys in this community that, thank God, is not interested in our nationality or colour of our skin or our cultural heritage. I am happy you told us more about yourself. I hope you are well and W. is rocking your life like the star he is. ;-)

  2. he is a beautiful amazing baby, I'm glad you didn't do all the 'what if's that would have made him impossable now.

  3. hooray for the butterfly effect!

  4. It can really take your breath away sometimes, thinking of the ripple effect... the power of coincidence. I know some people believe in what's "meant to be" -- but I'm afraid that life is more random than that. Sometimes it's for the better, sometimes for the worse. And sometimes, for both.


  5. I hope I'm you a year from now! Remembering the last one I didn't get to have, while holding the one I did.

  6. Great reflections. It really is amazing how far we can come in a year, how unexpectedly we end up some place, and how if we had made one wrong turn or not had certain painful experiences, we might have missed it all. On the other end of it, it's always worth whatever we had to go through. :)