Raising Sunflower

Two Week Wait

2012-02-14T09:13:00.002-08:00

First, WOW you're still here!!! Thank you!!!! I listened to your advice, and well, we tried. My ovulation used to last three days or so, whenever it deigned to arrive, but this time it was for just 24 hours. I'm glad I took advantage of the window. Nothing is a given, least of all this. As you guys suggested, I'm sticking with my diet, and should I be lucky enough to see two lines two weeks from yesterday, I will eat well, exercise, and generally not eat whatever the heck I want during pregnancy which is what I did last time. We shall see what happens, but I'm well aware, anything beyond the child I already have is just whipped cream and sprinkles on an already wonderful situation.

No matter what, I'm not letting myself slide back to the depression that dominated me on the road to my son. . . I didn't realize I was in such a dark place until I emerged. In the back of my mind I worry about a miscarriage and how I will handle it. But I can't look to the what if's. I just have to go forward and hope for the best.

Some of you mentioned it had been a while, and I am still blogging, but at my other spot, my non-anonymous one, if you click on the comments to the previous post, I replied to comments using my other blog information. So if you'd like, see you there too :)

Okay, here's to hoping I can manage to be calm, serene and the very image of Buddha these next two weeks. Right. :)

To try or not to try. Your advice desired. Please.

2012-02-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've come a long way from the last time I posted about doubling my joy and trying for #2. Then, I was terrified of the needles and the high risk screenings and as much as I wanted another child, the process of getting there frankly terrified me.

Not anymore. Now, I regard pregnant bellies with a mixture of nostalgia and longing. I look at them as they press their hands against their lower back and wish for it so bad my arms ache. It's different now ofcourse. I have a toddling child who I love more than air. My heart is full. Still, the heart is a greedy beast.

Getting in the way was my weight. I wanted to be at a healthy weight, which for my height was 149. And as many of you know, this is like the challenge that won't quit as I struggled so long with it. Finally, though, since January, the weight has been peeling off. I'm now 5 pounds away from my healthy BMI.

And today, I ovulated for the first time since I got pregnant with my son.

I'm sharing this here on this site that likely no one reads anymore, because no one can understand this but you. What it feels to realize you ovulated after years of not. I wanted to cry because I was this weight and it was this very month three years ago that I ovulated for the first time ever and had my Speck that never lived past the first trimester. I'm here again. Ovulation is not my given. It's something that is putting me in an emotional tailspin.

My first instinct is to make like rabbits, and try, a normal healthy ovulation is just something I'm not accustomed to seeing. And while ovulation + sex does not always equal baby, for me, each time I had a real ovulation, I did get pregnant. So its not a far stretch that if we try, we'll at least for the time being, conceive. No guaruntees on miscarriages.

Except, I'm five pounds away from my weight loss goal. It's not an easy goal to be so close to and sadly I'm getting there by pretty much subsisting on 800-900 calories a day. I've tried everything, and this is the only thing that gets my weight moving. Not healthy, but working. I can't sustain this if I am pregnant or think I am. Weight loss is more than just a vanity project. I had gestational diabetes, I have insulin resistance, and my blood work shows I'm very much at risk for diabetes and so being at a healthy weight is important.

And I'm in a two bedroom condo in which we can't move. We're house hunting but no guaruntees we'd find it if by the time we'd have a baby.

K, my husband, says its entirely up to me. He says my weight loss has helped me ovulate [which is likely true] and that who is to say I will not ovulate next month and the month after now that I've reached this magic number. He says I could wait. Get my weight down. And then try. The goal was to begin trying in March anyways. But, then, its like looking at a gift, and dumping in the trash.

I mean, I could wait until March? Then again, I'm just five pounds to normal. Just eat 1200 a day until the pregnancy test? And then healthy eating onwards after that? or is it just a risk that's silly to take?

I am so conflicted. I am so scared. I am so confused.

If anyone is reading this, I would love your perspective: In my shoes what would you do?

"Trying to Conceive" to fertiles

2011-06-21T20:46:00.001-07:00

I had a very awkward conversation with my mother the other day and I felt the need to share it here because really, only y'all will get it. I hope.

Mom: When do you think you'll try for another baby?
Me: I don't know, maybe in a few months, maybe next year, just don't know right now.
Mom: So you're on the pill? That can be dangerous. . .
Me: No, not on the pill.
Mom: What then?
Me: Nothing.
Mom. So you're trying.
Me: No.
Mom: But if you are not using protection then you're trying.
Me: No. Really, no. I mean if it happened great. But we're not trying.
Mom: If you don't use protection you're trying.

I honestly had forgotten that in the world of fertiles you can really just have sex and get pregnant as simple as that. So in my mom's world, we are trying. I wish she knew that after what I've been to [as you all have too] that having sex and getting pregnant is not really trying much of anything at all.

Standstill

2011-04-19T06:30:00.001-07:00

Since I began trying to eat better and live a better healthier lifestyle things have improved. I exercised four times last week. I ate between 1200-1400 calories per day erring on the lower end most days. I have not touched any junk food, nor any white rice, nor pasta.

And I've lost no weight.

I had seen a negative five pound loss which inexplicably went back to a two pound loss and for the past 2.5 weeks its stayed just there, not budging an inch.

I wish I had kept journals of previous weight loss. I want to say that this might be normal. That my body resists my initial attempts to lose weight but over time it will figure it out and what I'm doing will work. I mean logically, less calories in + exercise = weight loss. It's scientific I thought. And yet my body is holding on for dear life to every fat cell a though a famine is around the bend not a McDonald's and Sonic drive-up.

Sigh. I'm still holding strong. Not giving up. But I am discouraged. I gave up carbs for dinner, then carbs for lunch. Carbwise I have two cups of tea with a teaspoon of sugar, one piece of fruit, and a glass of milk daily. That's it. I just don't get it.

Emotional Eating. Damn You.

2011-04-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

I went to Whole Foods today to get some meatloaf and salmon. I normally struggle there because they have these chocolate chip cookies that are amazing. Nuke them for 30 seconds. Glass of warm milk. Heaven. Everytime I go its a mental struggle. This time- I nearly forgot about them until I passed them on my way to check- out- and even then- no struggle at all. It's truly amazing to see my body let go of its addiction and constant need for sugar. I do have sugar. I have a spoon in my tea that I have every day. But no cakes, chips, junk food of any sort. No rice or noodles for that matter either. And the transformation of my cravings is amazing.

But damn you emotional eating. I thought you were a fancy psycho-babble term. I pictured emotional eaters weeping over a big gallon of icecream spoon in hand huddled in a corner in the dead of night. But no.

I wrote my second novel and I am really proud of it. I actually sort of LOVE it. So much that I'm okay that the first one got put on hold because tTHIS ONE? This one will knock off an editor's socks. I am that confident in its awesomeness if someone will but give it a chance. I have an agent. I have been trying to reach my agent to get this manuscript to her for her to read. She read the first three chapters in January and gave me a thumbs up to keep going. Which I have. Working toiling, day after day, staying up late, using up all W's nap hours to get this book written, and now its done and I love it. Except I CANT REACH HER. Twitter. Text. Cell phone. Work Phone. E-mail. Nada.

I know she will eventually get back to me. I think. But then, how long until she reads my manuscript? Gives me feedback? It's all making me antsy.

And as I considered it I found myself eating a handful of cashews. Then nibbling on grapes. Not because I was hungry. Or wanting it. Just because. And then I started thinking about that cookie at Whole Foods. Wishing I had it. Wishing I could eat it.

OH. So THAT is what emotional eating is.

I promptly turned on my Wii and did some running and yoga. And I feel better. Still anxious. Stressed. Nervous. But better.

I'm still in my calorie quota for today, but had I not this blog, and my friend who is dieting with me, I KNOW today is the kind of day I would have run out to the nearby sonic ordered a big ice cream sundae and ate it in the car feeling bad for myself and feeling like I deserved this one joy just now.

But I didn't. This is progress. Bigger progress than I thought myself capable of.

PCOS. Dieting. And Ownership.

2011-04-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

I resisted cake two days in a row this weekend. While my husband eats ice-cream bars, I eat frozen grapes for dessert [Thanks for the tip Claire!]. I am sticking to 1200-1500 calories per day. And the fact that I am doing this with a friend who also remembers a time when she was a size she loved, and has the same exact weight loss goal as me- its keeping me honest because I don't want to let her down since I truly feel we're in it together.

And today I stepped on the scale and I lost five pounds.

I also had a realization. I have PCOS. The classic case with a ring around the ovaries of eggs that never self-actualized and insulin-resistance running through my blood. My grandfather, two aunts, one uncle, all have type II diabetes. Four cousins have PCOS. I had gestational diabetes. I cannot run away from the reality. Diabetes is where I'm headed if I allow my sweet tooth to reign over me.

While I can debate all I want about what came first, the PCOS or the weight issues. The fact is I haven't been eating healthy. Normal me would have eaten a bite of cake. Then a second because hell, I had one slice why not just start "fresh" tomorrow and go crazy today? And then repeat again the day after.

Today as I cleaned my bedroom I came across a hershey wrapper. It still had one square inside. I found it stuffed in my nightstand. I must have eaten it in secret some time ago so my husband wouldn't see. And I realized: This isn't normal to hide your sweets and keep promising to "get clean" on the elusive 'next day'.

I may not be able to stop diabetes, or PCOS, or future gestational diabetes, but I can at least stop giving my body the things that certainly don't help it deal with those issues. Every bite of cake I refrain from, I'm giving my body a chance at health, a chance to be free from diabetes.

This is more than just fitting back into my size 4 jeans now. This is about taking back my control. And owning my part so it wont happen again.

Baby Showers. Still Hurt.

2011-04-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

Baby showers remain remarkably painful affairs. I still refrain from attending when at all possible. I wish I knew why. It is a celebration of the impending arrival of new life. It is enjoying the company of friends. And cooing over a pregnant belly. And debating the merits of boys versus girls. And playing silly baby shower games that kindergartners might find tedious. Oh yeah, now I remember why. I'm also scarred- I attended too many during my season of infertility and loss- I had to sit there and clap at a baby bonnet while my insides were torn into shreds and nod sympathetically as the pregnant party bemoaned how 'big she looked' and then promptly bury my head against the steering wheel, safely away from prying eyes to weep until my soul felt thirsty. As lovely as my son is, as much as he has helped heal my open wounds, I am still wounded- and these sorts of events- still hurt.

I am attending one today despite a million reasons not to. The girl in question painted her nursery in the first trimester, and wanted to have a baby, and then- just did. And I can't hate her for this. For her good fortune. For her lack of struggles since we each have our own crosses to bear- but- I'd rather visit once the baby is born, bring a gift- and avoid the festivities of a baby shower. I had to go since I got talked into a carpool that I despite my lawyer skills, could not talk myself out of, so we will be driving one hour one-way to attend- with no means to leave early.

I will guess the size of her belly. And marvel at baby booties, and blankets. And then I'm going to go home and hold my son so tight- and remind myself that things aren't the same. I might have to visit my dark place some days, but I no longer live there. I've dressed up this dark place with window coverings and a fresh coat of paint, but days like today I am reminded I cannot change what it is and that I must be gentle with this ugly, darker part of me.

Eating from the brain. Eating from the heart.

2011-04-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

I really didn't think I was an emotional eater. I thought I just craved sweets. End of story. But as I am doing this whole weight-loss journey I realize its more than that. We are thinking of putting our house on the market and moving closer to the city. Not the best to put your house on the market. Such a bad time in fact that we'd lose more than half our equity. The logic is we'll make up the loss by purchasing a house we could never afford in the city since prices there have gone down too. It's stressful to figure this out all the while your house is having major issues and you are putting money in you know you will NEVER see back.

So today I had egg/toast/tea and then two bowls of soup for lunch with two tall glasses of water. My stomach is full. Yet, as I was driving with W in the backseat, I wanted to stop at the sonic on the way to the grocery store to get a big bowl of icecream. And then at the grocery store I wanted a nice warm chocolate chip cookie. Two. Maybe three. And I wasn't hungry. My stomach was full. I want to lose weight. And yet- I wanted these other things- and I realized then, for the first time, that why yes, I do emotional eat. I want to eat the cookie and the ice cream because tehy will make me feel better. They taste delicious and for that brief moment life will feel better though if I think it all through [which I did] I will regret messing with my progrss- and I know when it comes to crack-sugar [ie. anything in cakes, cookies, etc] I can't just have one bite and a bite now will mean a wasted weekend. That's just how it is.

I don't know what this information tells me because you see, as much as I now am aware I have tendencies to emotionally eat, it does not mean that I don't want to do it.

Haven't done it. But want to.

How strange to learn something new about yourself

Wanting a girl. Apparently.

2011-04-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

I went to a mom's group. All nice women. Discussing boys and girls. It's my fault. I started it as we discussed what we thought we were having when we were pregnant.

Me: I was convinced it was a girl- when the doctor said boy- I told him he had to be mistaken.
Mom1: Oh yes- I was devestated when I learned I was having a boy.
Mom2: I burst into tears hysterical- my husband had to comfort me.
Mom3: Well the next one might be a girl you have hope!
Me: Well, I didn't care either way, I just was thinking it was a girl. I had a hard time getting and staying pregnant so as long as the baby was healthy it was my only concern.

I hated being the Debbie Downer- but I could not sit there as people whined about having boys. I realize I started it- but never with the intention that others took it with.

Seriously. Tears on your first child because you wanted a girl. Seriously.

The anatomy of a brownie- and a craving

2011-04-01T06:39:00.000-07:00

Michele, you were right. There is benefit in paying attention to why we overeat. I thought I indulged in sweets because they tasted good and so I wanted them. While this is a BIG part of it- I realized last night there is more to it. It wasn't actually the brownie- its still sitting on the counter- feel bad throwing it away but its likely stale so no use eating it- will toss it after I write this- but it was actually these ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. They are a low-fat Skinny Cow mega-pack I bought weeks ago at Sam's Club. Because I'm avoiding sugar- though they are low-fat I am not eating them- plus they have so many preservatives- its unsettling.

Evening neared- K asked me if I wanted one as he got one out of the freezer. I said no. But it was a very wavering no after an entire day of being good and strong and sticking with the plan. As the evening wore on, I kept thinking of it. The ice cream sandwich- how it wasn't a big deal- 140 calories, a tiny bit of sugar really- and I needed to wean off sugar- not just cut it cold turkey- and I wanted it- around 11 I finally asked K, "can you bring me the ice cream sandwhich" and he looked at me and said, "but its so late, we're about to sleep" and I nodded, duly chastened.

Went to sleep, woke up, and the craving is gone and I'm SO glad I didn't have it.

My evening hours after dinner are my weakest hours. They always have been. I can look back to sneaking out when I was 15 to go to the fridge and eat leftovers. I always say I have a bad metabolism but looking back at how I ate- I'm beginning to think it wasn't that bad. There is something maybe rewarding about it- like those calories don't count- though they do in the worst ways.

Now I know- its not that I want the ice cream or the other crap, its that I feel like I want it- they aren't the same thing. When I'm denying it- my mind is doing the talking. When I'm indulging, its my baser instincts. I hope this will help- realizing this not for the first time, but in a more profound way.

The thing is I CAN DO THIS. Not just back in the day, but now. I had gestational diabetes and I abstained. I did it because I had to. I fast during Ramadan, not tempted by so much as a french fry. I can do this- I need to believe I can.

Coming up next its Friday, the weekend- the worst worst time for me to diet -gatherings where dessert is part of the fare and everyone will notice you not take a bite [and you feel embarassed since you've been this weight all tehse years diet or not dieting so you think they're mocking you in their heads and you think 'I'll have a bite'] If you're reading and have any tips for handling outings and weekends- I'd love to hear. This weekend? A kid's birthday party with Publix sheet cake- I even indulged when I had GD on a slice at my baby shower- Oi.

Thanks for reading and your support.

The two week weight loss plan

2011-03-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

Claire gave me some great food for thought and I spent the day, really thinking about my binge post-declaring-weight-loss and what it meant. And while perhaps I shouldn't be overthinking it- if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you know, overthinking is just what I do.

Still, I do think that introspection is required. Today, I did not limit myself, I simply observed how I ate- and while I didn't eat great- I noticed that after I would finish something bad for me, like a granola bar with chocolate chips- I felt a sense of disappointment afterwards. Not guilt for having eaten, but disappointment that eating it did not give me the satisfaction I craved- and I then wanted another one- and another one- and I soon realized I could eat twenty and they're not giving me the satisfaction, the sense of fulfillment that I want.

I also realized that I am addicted. And while meth and crack recoverers can avoid their former social circle to be away from the triggers- food is everywhere and so fixing this is going to be an ongoing battle.

I thought back to when I lost thirty pounds when I was getting married. I had internal motivation. I felt good losing the weight. I loved the pants getting looser- and I had grown accustomed to eating less- bites of a hershey kiss doing for me the same as what a container would do for me now. Satisfy me.

I need to teach myself the same habits I had learned back then. I need to believe that despite the fact that I gained it back- that I can do it again.

I am so rooted in the belief that I will fail. Even K tells me that, "I'll have to see it to believe it" based on my many failed attempts- that I'm scared to believe I can do it. And when you think that sooner or later you'll fail, when a giant chocolate cake presents itself you indulge because hey, you're going to fail sooner or later anyways, right?

I want to lose weight because:

I want my clothes to fit right again
I want to possibly fight PCOS
I want to ward of type II diabetes
an easier time if/when I get pregnant again
I want my son to see me do this and to see TWO health conscious parents

And- I want to not let my cravings own me. I need to own my cravings. I want my self-control and self-discipline back. I want that more than I want to even lose the weight.

Because sugar is my biggest culprit- my biggest weakness- and one bite leads to two and to three- and then on and so forth- my plan is to give up sugar, rice and pasta for the next two weeks. It's not atkins. It's not south beach. It's just getting rid of sugar, rice and pasta keeping fruit and vegetables intact. I'm also going to track my weight and calories on "myfitnesspal" which is like a free weight watchers and totally awesome- and I'll update here from time-to-time.

Just the thought of going sugar-free is scaring me- but I need to do it because I need to prove to myself that I'm in charge of my body.

Once I can get a hold of my sugar cravings, two weeks hence, I will reassess and make changes to my dieting- but just like breastfeeding was hell on earth those first few weeks, and I survived only by going one feed at a time, so with sugar withdrawal- Ill have to handle it one meal at a time.

Here's hoping I can do this.

Weight Loss- Easier Said. . . Than Done.

2011-03-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

So I wrote a post about how I intend to lose weight, how I'd like to drop some weight by my 32nd birthday and before I try to conceive again- and then- I signed off- and went to McDonalds and had a vanilla ice cream cone followed with M&Ms and Pad Thai for dinner.

What. the. fuck?

I never go to McDonalds. My last trip to McDonalds was in 2009 in Spain when we could find nothing in our near the vicinity that didn't have pork, and before then? When I was 18. I don't know what possessed me to declare myself on a diet and then run off to stuff myself with as much sugar as possible.

I think part of it is this fear to give up sugar. To eat healthy. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to fail. Because I've failed so many times before. Because weight loss has always been such a damn struggle- I dont think I can do it- and my body in rebellion against my mind- went to McDonalds.

I used to be a size four, it was a brief time but it was a beautiful time and since then I've looked back with wistfulness wanting it again, never giving away the clothes from that era, but never doing what it takes to get back to where I once was.

I have been at this weight for five years now. I'm ashamed of it. So ashamed I cannot even state it here on this private blog with people who support me, the only ones reading. I begin with sincere effort- and then I drop off- I begin- then I fail.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I'm going to sit down and get more specific. I'm going to make a clear goal. A clear plan. And I will do this. I can do it. I must do it.

PCOS. Weight Loss. And a new bloggy focus.

2011-03-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

I've been reading Michele's blog for years now and her recent journey to weight loss is inspiring not just because she succeeded but because she struggled like me, she has PCOS, and she did it. She succeeded. Not to look like a cover-girl [though she looks lovely- and always has] but for the right reasons. I e-mailed her today and asked her if she felt her blogging helped her succeed and she said it did because it kept her accountable.

I hesitated writing about my weight-loss journey here because this is a blog about infertility and loss- but according to my doctor- my PCOS is directly tied with weight. [though what came first, the chicken or the egg e.g. weight caused PCOS or PCOS caused weight I can't be sure] so weight loss is related to the theme of this space.

I've hidden behind my PCOS for years as the reason I've struggled but Michele has PCOS and she did it. And my story is similar to hers in that as much as the medical issues may play a part in the struggle- I DO eat more than I should- I am addicted to sugar to an unhealthy crack-addict degree- and its time to stop so I can finally conquer this- so I can reduce my chance of type II diabetes which runs rampant in my family and which thanks to gest. diabetes I am at an incrased risk for, and so my son will learn to do as I do not as I say.

So I'm dusting the cobwebs off this blog- and I'll be writing here in this anonymous space [away from the eyes of my extended family] to hold myself accountable and also to see for myself, if I can do this. If I stick to calorie control and being good about my diet- can I honestly lose weight? If not- if PCOS just makes this impossible- then at least I'll have this blog to print and take to my doctor to show her just how strict I was and how little I achieved. Though, I hope this is not the case.

March 28- August 28- almost in time for my 32nd birthday. I am going to hold back from setting a weight loss numerical goal- just the goal to kick my sweet addiction, and to watch my calories, and conquer this beast once and for all. I'm using "my fitness pal" a free app and website that helps me track my calories and keeps me accountable no matter where I am.

So while this blog will be updated more regularly, it might also get quite boring with weight-loss vents and pitfalls, so if you decide to stop reading, I understand [really!] and if you do keep reading- thanks, your support means the world.

The pregnancy possibility- answered

2011-03-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

Six a.m.

I whispered to my husband, who was holding safe the pregnancy test I purchased until it was exactly 14dpo and not a moment before, that I needed to test now- he told me the secret hiding place- under the bathroom sink- and I went to take the test.

I brought it back to the bedroom and put it on the night stand, snuggled in bed with my husband and my son, and waited while running a hand over his soft hair.

I thought about what it would be like to have two babies under two.
How would I do it? Would I have to wean W early? What about my diet?

And then my mind shifted to . . .

new baby smells, and a friend for W, and my God not having to try not having to struggle and stare at blank pregnancy tests month after month, year after year, doctor's visits, and fertility drugs and the painful way that infertility can leach onto your mind and your soul like a parasite sucking everything else from you but that one thought- how nice to complete my family without struggling this time. What a beautiful gift- to be the mythical family that has a surprise baby after years of struggle.

"It's time," my husband said. So I looked over at the test resting under the glow of my salt rock lamp and. . .

negative.

Instead of tears, a stabbing pain, I felt.. . oh. A trickle of disappointment especially for my husband who looked positively crestfallen [an expression I never saw in all our years of negatives before W] and a mild building of apprehension as I realize that to have my joy doubled- I will have to go through some serious shit. Again.

Still. I'm okay. Feeling a little silly. That after all this time I listened to signs and symptoms and just felt so fucking sure.

I also decided that I'm not ready to go through the range of emotions that infertility and loss bring with it [and I'm fairly certain I will have a loss before I have success as I did with W] I desperately want my son to have a sibling to be his shoulder when we are gone- but I need a little bit of time to enjoy my son and heal my body and more importantly my still open wounds. K agreed, this almost possibility affecting him deeper than I imagined- we both need to let there be some distance- before we put our hearts on the line like that again.

Could it? No. Maybe? Sigh.

2011-03-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how but I've found myself in a two week wait. It was not expected nor planned as I wanted to give my body at least 18 months to heal before thinking about it. I'm on a weight loss kick having shed about 12 pounds since January and wanted to be in good physical shape before putting my body through the ringer again. Plus I'm not on metformin and my cycles have gone wonky again [Thank you PCOS]- and yet I think spontaneity may have coincided with ovulation. . . I tell myself its nothing. It could be nothing- and yet- there I go again- looking at signs, wondering if the headache means something, the sprouting of nausea- even though its only been 5 days and no signs appear so soon- and then I think I've been pregnant three times and I'm feeling similar things? But then I wonder if I'm delusional- because five days.

So we'll see. March 27th I'll test if I need to. What goes after if its two lines? The lovenox and doctor appointments and GD fun part deux? I'm going to take it one day at a time. Ovulation does not always equal pregnancy- and sadly pregnancy does always not equal baby. Still- I have W this time- and I think that's going to make all the difference.

I already sound saner than last time don't I?

Clearly this is not on my regular blog- but I needed a place to sort through it- so obviously its a big old bloggy secret until I know something! :)

Friendship and my fundamental flaw

2011-01-29T05:48:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how long its been since I last posted here. I just found comments waiting for moderation from so long ago- I feel bad. I'm sorry I've let my sunflower blog collect dust and gather weeds. Most of my blogging is on my longer-standing non-private blog.[ If you want the link just leave a comment or an e-mail, and its okay to link to both blogs I saw three people asked that- thank you so much for double checking].

I began posting this on my other blog but then realized that the people who I am writing about read that blog religiously and will likely recognize themselves and the last thing I want to do is begin a passive-aggressive dialogue with them. So I bring the issue here- to my safe space and yet I know I hardly post here so I sort of feel like I'm standing in a field talking to my echo. If anyone is still around- thanks for listening.

I have a serious fundamental personality flaw. I cannot stand fakeness. I cannot stand hypocrisy. Now this might sound like the equivalent of saying I work too hard when asked of personal weakness at a job interview, but I do perceive this as a flaw. I really cannot stand insincerity. It pisses me off, it makes my stomach hurt, it makes me want to never be friends or speak to the person again.

And yet, I dont know if its my luck or this is how humans work, I run into this over-and-over again. I have a friend, D. She's been my friend for 4 years now and her and her husband are our go-to couple for an evening out, or to catch a movie with. D will call me sometimes after we meet someone new and talk them in a very negative way. "I can't stand A- she's so annoying- have you heard her voice? She is so weird." and on and on. Then she'll turn to another person with a similar negative take on them. And then- she'll turn around and invite them to her house for a party, and rush over to their house for a dinner party too though she'll be sure to call afterwards to tell me how weird the host was. And- I just. don't. get. it.

I saw today that she's having a superbowl party and on her e-vite she invited two people she purportedly can't stand. I texted her, "oh you're inviting them?" and she responded "ofcourse, why wouldn't I?"

Oh I don't know. Because you say you can't stand them on a regular basis?

Yet this seems to be the way of the world. Every time I make friends this happens. You hear them talk shit about other people. You hear them say cruel things. And then you look on facebook and they're talking about how much they miss them, and you see pictures of them arm in arm- and- I just. don't. get. it.

If I say I don't like someone then it means that while I will be polite to them if I encounter them, I will not invite them to my home, I will not coo over them, I will not write on their facebook walls how awesome they are. Similarly, if you are wrong to me, I will always be polite to you- but I will never forget it and in my heart you are closed to me forever.

And yet- the longer I live the more I see that the rest of the world doesn't operate like this. And my friend D's actions are making me so angry even though she's not the first to behave this way and won't be the last. Even though D hasn't done anything to me, her actions now make me want to have nothing to do with her. And yet- our husbands are friends- we have mutual friends- so I can't do it. I can't drop contact. I have to smile. And I have to be polite. And in turn become a hypocrite. Become Fake. And its making me so angry. Can you see how this is truly a personality flaw now?

I just wonder sometimes if I'm one of the only ones or if really there are far more sincere people than otherwise, I've just had really bad luck.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone. - Lance Clayton- 'World's Greatest Dad'

Late periods, PCOS and weight loss.

2010-12-15T09:07:00.000-08:00

You guys are the best. Thank you. I would never wish our journeys on anyone but the community of support you guys provide? Everyone should be so lucky. I hope I do the same for you.

The thoughts on my last post were precipitated by my first period this month. The hope began flickering- a period meant hope of future periods- of ovulation. I grew more hopeful about three weeks ago when I had the telltale signs of ovulation right on time. I am not ready to try again, but I took this as a sign that I'd be one of those people whose bodies became normal after having a child.

No period.

I'm now quite late- I've been bloated, crampy, PMS-y but- no period. It might come. I hope it will. But now its late. It's late. And it means that my friend PCOS is still here ready to party.

I'm not on Metformin, the one that helped regulate me because my OB said to hold off while I am nursing- so I'm trying to figure out what to do. The weight- despite my greatest efforts- is not budging. I can't fit into most of my clothes pre-pregnancy and the weight issue is beginning to take over my thoughts. This isn't me. I feel like I'm wearing a warm winter coat over my real body. But thanks to PCOS losing the weight is infinitely harder.

There are many reasons to lose weight. Feeling confident, fitting into clothes again, preventing diabetes, but most of all its getting rid of PCOS. My doctor says if I can lose the weight, the PCOS will go away.

Now that he's on solids I'm trying to be stricter with my diet. I want to fix this. As much as PCOS is a culprit hurting my metabolism, and making me fight harder than other people to see a drop in the scale- the truth? The truth is I do eat thing that are bad for me and I have to give myself longer than a month of not seeing the scale budge before I give up.

So here's hoping. Hoping that by May. My son's birthday- I can be at a normal BMI again like I was once-upon-a-time- I'd like to think that I don't want to try again until I'm there- but then I wonder if I'll ever get there so I am hesitant to make such a bold assertion.

PS: I don't post much here because I am posting more at my regular non-anonymous site if you want the link just send me an e-mail- I've gotten over my paranoia on that :)

Thoughts on doubling joy

2010-11-26T14:06:00.000-08:00

If anyone still reads this, just a note that this is about kids and might be the type of post I found hurtful or painful when I was in the trenches of IF.

Once upon a time I wanted four children. By the time I convinced my husband five years into our marriage, I was content with the idea of three. And then infertility and loss hit me with their anvils and I wondered if I would even get one.

Despite my deepest fears, I have my baby boy. And I am happy. For the first time in a very long time I'm not 'happy considering' or 'happy to the world though my heart is breaking in a million pieces inside." I did not realize it, but the past 2.5 years I was a very depressed person. I look back on some of these posts and I scarcely understand who wrote them? That wasn't me? It was infertility and loss and they had taken over my body and had spread their tentacles over my soul.

And for this reason when I think of adding to the happiness. Doubling my joy. Trying for number two. I feel. . . overwhelmed. I want another child. So does my husband. Its important to us to have a sibling for W if we are lucky enough to conceive again. And this love for W- its like crack- and I'm an unabashed junkie now.

But.

W is my miracle baby. Conceived after a miscarriage when I bucked doctor's order to wait a cycle and just tried before even getting my period- it worked- he's here. He came because my second miscarriage gave me a normal ovulation after five years of wonky ovulation. The first time. Its dumb luck I convinced K to ignore the doctor. Had we waited, I can't be sure if I'd even have a child today.

So the thought of counting cycle days. Having sex and then wondering what may happen. Of Clomid. Of ovary monitoring. Metformin. Lovenox injections. Ultrasound appointments. And the ever present, always present fear of a miscarriage- of something going wrong- I have tears in my eyes as I consider it all. The destination is beautiful- it is marigolds and roses and unicorns- but the journey is scarier than the path to Mordor.

And I want so badly to try again. And I'm scared so badly too. Scared to relinquish my joy for worry once more. Scared of the waiting. The wondering. I'm sorry to sound graphic but if I have one more fetus slip through my body onto a cold floor I don't know if I can handle it.

But I have to handle it. I have to get used to blanks on pregnancy tests again. The feeling of failure. And scary doctor visits. I have to if I want what I want. Its just scary to consider right now.

I dont know if anyone still reads this but if you have any advice I would appreciate it very much.

Looking into the looking glass

2010-10-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

We went to Red Lobster today. Ten dollar coupon. Endless shrimp. Why not, we thought. We sat down at the round table placed for us with just enough space to wedge W's stroller in so it was out of the way. He was on cute baby duty it seemed. He was giggling and squealing with delight. He was playing with his stuffed animals and trying to devour his toes. After a while he got squirmy and I lifted him up, and he grinned and babbled and sucked his thumb. He was Gerber Baby. Brown Gerber Baby. People kept stopping by to coo over him, to chuckle at his giddy joy at everything- the straw, the plate, my hair, everything he saw.

But ofcourse I saw the one couple- in their 40's sitting right across from us. The lady wore a pretty green shawl and had stylish black glasses. Her husband sat across from her with sandy gray hair and his shoulders slightly hunched. They stared at him too, and they smiled- but I recognized the smile. Dammit. I recognized it and I knew there was heartbreak behind that smile. I know I'm assuming. Maybe she is the mother of twelve bouncing boys all too busy to join their parents for dinner, but you know. Sometimes you just know. Because I could see myself from the outside. This couple sitting in the middle of the room, bouncing a baby boy, singing to him while he giggled and cooed- and I know I would have looked over my shoulder and smiled just like that while a million knives stabbed my heart.

Its not like I feel guilty all the time. But moments like this hurt because I see it from their eyes and I want to hug them and I want to say it will be okay- except I don't know that. Except that for some people, its just too late.

Does it get easier? This survivor's guilt?

Twitter, oh dear

2010-09-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

Well I decided that since I'm trying to get a book published- I should get active on the social networking sites that everyone talks about: twitter. I'm slowly getting the hang of it, its kind of fun. Are you guys on it? If so please leave me your handle (or whatever they call it) and I'll add you so I can follow you :)

Infertility and Trains

2010-09-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

On the airport train en route to our flight to Denver, I smiled as all the passengers of the tram smiled and cooed over my baby. What a smile! His eyes light up! Aw what a flirt! I grinned and nodded and thanked people for their congratulations and kind words. One passenger turned to a woman, in her early fifties if I was to guess, standing next to him, a colleague it seemed, and asked how many kids do you have? She smiled and said none. We tried since we got married but it never happened. She paused, the smile still frozen on her face. Yep, we tried, we wanted it, but it didn't happen. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

My husband and I looked at each other. We didn't have to say a word. We knew what the other was thinking. And I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you because you know exactly what it feels like to be her. It hurt my heart that this woman had to endure a train full of people oggling a baby making statements like this is what life is all about all the while she stood there smiling politely. When I can I do tell people the struggles I faced, but on this train ride, a full minute in length, throngs of people gripping metal bars surrounding me, how could I?

We had lunch with a co-worker of my husband's today. She loves kids and also could never have any. She held W and kissed him on the cheek. He giggled and cooed and adored her. She doesn't know I was in her shoes too. . . and at a meal of project cuts and site visits where the mention of infertility never even made a peep how could I tell her?

And who does telling help? Does it just help ease my survivor's guilt? Does it really matter? It doesn't change the facts. They did not get their heart's desire. I try not to pull myself into a tailspin at moments like these of why me not them? Because what good does it do? It never helped when it was the other way, why them, why not me? It surely can't help now either.

Moments like this remind me that I may have a child but infertility and loss have forever changed me. I kiss him more than I probably should. I find myself gazing into his eyes unable to look away. Sleepless nights. Tearful tantrums. All things that I thought I would surely lose my patience on, I handle with a grace that is not typical of how I normally operate when faced with challenging circumstances.

That's the good side of life after infertility. The other side is the way your stomach drops when you meet someone still in the trenches. When you remember what you left behind. For better and worse, whether I have just this one child or five more, infertility is like a bullet lodged deep within me, one that no matter how hard you try will remain exactly where it is. You are free from its dangerous grip- but its imprint will always remain.

This and that**updated

2010-08-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I post slightly more at my other site, and since I can't find the hours in the day to send out the e-mail I will most certainly take down the link by the end of the weekend but if you want to follow me over I'd be most honored. I love comments, but please no references to this blog :) This is my private one where I can write about things I don't want everyone (i.e. family, friends) reading.
Little guy is not sleeping anymore. We went from 5 hours stretches, to 6, to 7!! And then down to waking every 2-3 hours nightly like clockwork. I am feeling like a zombie due to sleep deprivation, as though I've been transported back into the early days of having a baby. Not just that, he used to lay in the crib without a fuss and coo and chat to himself and fall asleep, now its a 45 minute production of tears and screams to get him in bed. I thought it got easier, not harder?!
I'm worried my milk supply is the cause. Last night we gave him a bottle of formula for its purported ability to keep a sleeping baby sleeping longer and I pumped out of curiosity to see how much milk I was making. 3 ounces total. 3 lousy ounces to feed a 14+ pound baby. I've heard that baby extracts more than the pump so I might have more but I'm wondering if milk supply is the reason.
Although this theory was a tiny bit eroded last night since he woke up 2 hours after the bottle screaming. This time I gave him tylenol, he instantly quieted down and fell asleep. So maybe this is all teething related? The white buds are under his gums waiting to come out. He's got a lot of teeth- I guess I'll be sleep deprived for a while if this is the case.
But my doctor thinks its my diet. I joined weight watchers. I was doing GREAT on it. Losing 2 pounds a week for a total of 7 pounds to date. I NEVER lose weight like that (thank you PCOS) but his sleep deprivation coincided with this. I talked to a LLL volunteer who also agreed it might be my diet. I've been advised not to lose weight at all, but I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit and I want to get out of it! And WW does give you points if your'e nursing. I'm able to eat VERY well on the diet. I mean, two eggs with toast for breakfast, pasta for dinner! I'm not exactly starving. I don't get it.
Do you have any advice on baby sleep regression? I can't imagine letting him cry it out. I tried it for four minutes last night and I was a hysterical sobbing mess. Just can't do it. Any advice on weight loss? Milk supply issues? Battling the inability to sleep once the baby is asleep because your'e lying in wait for him to awake next?? I've ordered fenugreek, I eat fennel seeds every day as is, and I'm now adding oatmeal. Sigh.
But let me be clear, the fat suit, the insomnia, the hysterical shrieks of my bebe- wouldn't have it any other way. I am happy. So happy he's here. I don't take THAT for granted.

Updated to add, the past two days I ate whatever I wanted, like a nut, and today when I pumped I got out 6.5 ounces. Yep- food is definitely a factor. Sigh. I really want to lose this weight but not at the cost of giving up nursing which I worked SOOOO hard to stick to and which I actually now love doing. It's weird to bemoan that I MUST eat to my heart's content but I really feel motivated to shed the weight. weird.

Kate, I was told that if you start solids at 4 months it can issues but everyone I know who has started at four are just fine. Did you do any reading on this?

Well that didn't work

2010-08-12T17:11:00.001-07:00

I thought I would just e-mail everyone who asked because on wordpress when someone leaves a comment you get their address too. Apparently blogger doesn't do this. Hm. If you were one of the people who did not get an e-mail from me, that's why, I didn't get your e-mail address, if you can please leave it in the comments or send me an e-mail. Ergh. Sorry.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage- Doctors Weigh In

2010-08-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

Just read this article that said that doctors now tell women to TTC again ASAP after having a miscarriage because it boosts your chances of a successful pregnancy. I can understand wanting to wait to TTC after a miscarriage if you need to recover emotionally, but physically speaking I can't agree more and I WISH more doctors told their patients this. Were it not for me NOT heeding my doctors advice and doing what this article said, I would not have a baby snoring loudly in the swing across from me.

Erm. Whoops.

2010-08-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

Little guy sleeps his longest stretch as five hours from about 12-5am, I hear this is called sleeping through the night. For two nights in a row he was only giving me three hour stretches so last night I was beyond fatigued so last night when he woke up at 5am I was so tired I walked over gave him a pacifier and went back to bed. He didn't cry (he never does at this hour), he just wiggled around and grunted loudly, but then the next thing I knew it was 7:00am and he was FAST ASLEEP. He ultimately got up at 7:30am and even then he wasn't crazed with hunger, he actually grinned at me and then began pouting.

Is it okay that I let him sleep that long without feeding him?

Motherhood: feeling happy about the same thing you feel guilty about.

Blogging Post IF

2010-08-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

When I began this blog years earlier I had a vision. I planned to write here anonymously about all things IF. After a year it became all things IF and loss. And then all things pregnancy after IF and loss. I had a lot to say on these topics, and I blogged nearly every day. Sometimes twice a day. But I always had a plan. I had a vision that one day I would reach the promised land of baby and I would end this blog with a picture of my smiling baby and another website of hope for someone who stumbles across it feeling the pain I felt when I began.

But this was a plan I made before anyone really read my blog. This was a plan before I got to know any of you and the wonderful support you've provided me on this journey- I really can't put it into words so I'm not even going to try- IF cost me many things including friendships I had in real life. There were times I had no one to talk to about what I was going through and it was with you all that I could say what I felt freely without fear of judgment. I am tearing up as I say this: You guys will never know how much your support means to me.

So it became hard to leave like I planned. So I changed the look of the blog, told you a bit more about myself, and decided to keep on blogging here. But this is proving to be challenging.

You see, I have another blog. One I've written in for over six years. It's read by my family and friends. For that reason I've never blogged there about IF and loss because unlike many of you who are brave enough to own that part of your life publicly, I'm not. While most of my friends and family do know now what I've gone through, my other blog is still just not the space where I would like to be public about this. While I went through my IF and loss struggles I updated that blog very infrequently. But now, I update there more because it feels strange to me to update here, on this blog of IF, about happy-happy-joy-joy stuff about parenthood knowing that many of you reading are still on the journey, still hurting. It feels like I'm adding salt to wounds and so I find myself not having much to say here, but more to say there.

But, I miss you guys. Susan suggested that others might be interested in reading about the other side of me. The other side I write about on the other blog now that my mind is not as one track as it had been for 2.5 years. I'm not taking away this site. It stays. I still have things to say about IF and loss, and when I do, it will be said here. And one day, if and when we try for another baby, it will likely be here that I will document that as well. But in the meantime, for all the other stuff, I think instead of juggling two sites I'm going to do it over there. If you're interested in reading the silly things I have to say about life and want to get the link to the other blog, please shoot me an e-mail or leave me a comment. My only request is that if you are interested, that you please not mention this blog in the comments or anywhere else. It's not that I'm ashamed of what I have gone through. It's just that I'd rather my in-laws not trace me back here. I've moved my IF blog three times now, and I really want to keep my IF blog parked here for now.

I will take down this post in a week, but in the meantime if you're interested, I'm honored. See you on the other side.

A year ago today

2010-07-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

This weekend last year was spent in bed praying that the red spotting would not lead to more. This Sunday last year we went to the ER. As I stepped into the dressing gown I lost my pregnancy on the cold tiled floor. This time last year I passed out from the pain medications. My husband thought I died since it took some time to revive me. This time last year my parents drove up to comfort me as I endured my second miscarriage in nearly as many months.

If I had not had that second pregnancy I would not have had this third. The second miscarriage gave me my first normal ovulation. Two weeks from today, one year ago, I ovulated the egg that became the child sleeping in the Moses basket next to my bed.

I ponder the what ifs on days like today: What if I had listened to my OB and waited a few cycles before trying again. What if I couldn't convince Jack to try that night when ovulation was certain. What if I didn't have lovoenox. Or extra folic acid. Or baby aspirin. What if. What if. What if. The what if's take my breath away. The idea that he could so easily, just by Jack saying no, just by one small twist of fate, this baby would not be here. This living breathing reality that I feel I've known all my life. That I feel was meant to be here from the beginning with such certainty I can't fully comprehend how it almost could possibly not have been. But these are the good kind of what ifs. Not the kind of what ifs that haunted my life this time last year.

I look at my life just one year ago. I read my old blogs at what was and how I felt. I can't believe how much life can change in the course of one year. One year ago I was leaving an ER empty, and now life is more beautiful than words can give justice to.

Thank you to all the powers that be. I hope I will always remember how fortunate I am.

My New Look

2010-07-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

I've always liked my anonymity here. I have another blog which is less anonymous where I wear my race and faith on my sleeve. I'm used to the 'burden of the minority' which is when you are part of a minority your actions can often be taken to represent the beliefs and views of all of your particular minority. I handle this well for the most part. I strive to break the negative stereotypes but when I began a blog about IF and loss I wanted to not have to go into that part of myself. I wanted a place where no one would see my name or the color of my skin and begin to make assumptions. I could write about family politics, or anger or sadness without worrying that anyone would accidentally make a sweeping generalization of my faith or race as a whole. I liked that. I kind of didn't mind keeping it that way. And then came Faisal Shahzad. The seemingly nice and normal assimilated Muslim-American who decided to try and plant a bomb in Times Square. Stupid. Idiotic. Deplorable. And then I read Zeitoun. The heroic man who stayed behind in Katrina to help and was thrown into a Gitmo like prison system without any regard for his rights. And I decided that though I'm not comfortable going completely unanonymous- maybe its good to share a little of who I am beyond the IF and the loss. Maybe its good that you see my faith and my race. So you know that there are Pakistani-Americans, Muslims, who struggled like you. Who are good. Who are hard working contributing members of society. I'm just one of billions. And I'm more interested in the color of my baby's poo or the buzz on the movie Inception. I'm the norm. But people like me don't make headlines. We don't make news stories. So in my little corner of this huge internet sea- I'm going to tell you who I am. And hope that it doesn't matter to you at all.

What she said she said

2010-07-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Just read this post from CeCe about how sometimes loss makes you fully cherish what you have. I don't presume to compare my miscarriages to the loss of a child you've held properly in your arms but I began to wonder, do my losses change the way I mother? I think the answer is unequivocally yes. There is hardly a day that passes where Speck or Bug don't cross my mind. Not formally. I don't sit and stare at the ultrasound pictures. Or journal about them. Or cry. But I think of them when I see the child of a friend whose son would have been the same age as Bug. Or I look at the calendar to figure out when we'll start solids and realize Speck would be chomping down rice cereal by now. That they would have names by now, real ones, not cute pet names. It's there. It's subtle but its there. It is always there. And as time passes I think this is not an entirely bad thing.

I know without what I lost I would not know how much I gain in sleepless nights, mysterious crying spells, spit ups, poopy diapers, and frustrating percentile growth charts. I know that because I had to face the reality that I might never be a mother I kiss him more and hold him longer and never forget the blessing that is him. While I wont say the dreaded it happened for a reason, it did happen and I am a different, and arguably better parent because of it.

Losing the baby weight

2010-07-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

The first six weeks post-bebe I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I ate pizza, icecream, cupcakes and cookies. It was beautiful. More beautiful was the fact that I was eating like I was prepping for a sumo wrestling competition and yet was gaining nary a pound. Nada. Zip. Imagine when I actually start eating right and working out? I thought. I'll be a skinny minnie in no time!

Wrong.

Once the six weeks was up and I got the go ahead to exercise I began working out one hour daily on my Wii Fit. I started cutting out all sweets and stopped eating after dinner. I figured the weight would drop like its hot but that didn't happen. Just like before, my weight did not go up, nor did it go down. For ten days I did this and I got increasingly fed up until I just went and ate a bunch of fries. The next day I dropped a pound.

I haven't had to think about weight loss for years while I struggled to get and stay pregnant. Now its time again and the old frustrations rear their ugly heads. I thought nursing would help the pounds fall but I've since learned this is untrue. I read scientific journals stating that there is no conclusive evidence that breastfeeding causes weight loss. My OB said for some it does, and for some BFing can actually make you hang on to weight as your body ensures you have enough fat to continue breastfeed. Body- I HAVE ENOUGH FAT you need not worry!

I have PCOS. Before I got on Metformin I could never lose weight. On Met by following a reasonable diet and exercersing my weight began regulating. But my doc wont prescribe it while I nurse.

I started weight watchers last Wednesday. In the past it was the only thing that worked for me. This week I lost 2 pounds, but I'm not going to be convinced until I see continual droppage since I fluctuate with those two pounds anyways. My hope is that weight watchers will help me realize if I'm eating more than I think I am, and if I am doing everything and sticking to the WW guidelines and still not losing weight at least I'll have some proof to show my OB and perhaps convince her to give me my Met again.

I am refusing to buy new clothes for this new looking me. I need to get back to where I was. And how sad since where I was is not where I ultimately want to be. In the meantime I wear stretchy skirts galore and hope that sooner or later this weight will come off!

How To Travel With A Newborn

2010-07-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

Susan asked me to share how it was to travel with a baby so I felt it only right to oblige with some words of wisdom on the art of airflight with a newborn:

1) Bring copious amounts of pacifiers. Seriously, stock up. Never know where they'll spit it out and you'd hate to be without it when they most need it.
2) Nursing covers at least two
3) Or bottles, maybe twelve, for take off and landing
4) Board books incase child needs distraction of the visual sort
5) And rattles if that fails to interest
6) Parenting books dog eared to "traveling with newborns"

Watch as people request seats not next to you. Feel hurt that they find you so unlikeable. Realize its because you are with a baby who holds within him the potential to reach untold decibels in a closed space. Settle down nervously waiting to discover said baby's lung capacity and then proceed to watch as he sleeps the entire duration of the flight take off to touch down and all the way home.

He makes it look so easy but I'm convinced that when ultra-prepared for worst-case scenarios Murphy's Law works in reverse.

Damned Percentiles

2010-07-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

Ofcourse you didn't hear me complaining about percentiles before. That is because at his last doctor visit his percentiles were great. 75th for height. 50th for weight and 25th for head. Well, the head worried me a bit but the doctor said we did not have particularly gigantic heads ourselves so no biggie. Yesterday we had our two month checkup and:

Height: 23 1/4 up from 22 1/2 but fell from 75th to 50th percentile
Weight: 10 lb 10oz up from 9lb 10oz but fell from 50th to 25th percentile.

I tried suppressing it but anxiety did creep up. Am I not making enough milk? Is he starving? Is this the reason? I asked the doc and he said that they'll check him again in a month and see if he continues to decline in percentiles they'll talk but they're not too worried. Well, I am. They also asked how much he eats. About 9 times a day on average. They said this is too frequent for this stage and he should be down to 6-8 times. Again I wonder: Is my milk quantity weak?

I'm not freaking out but I am worried. I know breastfed babies tend to show up lower on percentiles for weight but he's on the low end on even breastfed baby charts. When I pump I get out between 3oz in the afternoon and 5-6oz in the mornings. . . I don't pump that much but I'm hoping that means I've got stuff in there.

Heading to Florida (with a baby. on a plane. and the flight is booked. and I was told I picked a seat that is not baby compatible. UGH). So will try to push the worries out of my head.

Happy Two Month Birthday

2010-07-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

Dear W,

You are two months old. The differences between you today and just four weeks earlier astound me. Its been a busy month. You met aunts, cousins, and grandparents and future friends. Your favorite way to interact is to lie flat on a playmat and kick your hands and wiggle your legs while chatting up a storm with us. You also discovered your hands this month though you do not seem yet aware that they are yours.

This is the month of your smile. It blows me away every single time because it is so pure and innocent and without guile. Your smile immobilizes me. It erases the sleep from my eyes. It is daffodils and marigolds. Your smile makes the world brighter.

You rolled over this month! You stared at us with a triumphant grin each time. We took tons of video and then suddenly just a few days ago you stopped. You lift your head up now and start grunting as you seem to want to crawl forward. On to bigger and better already baby?

You also made your first friend, the dining room chandelier. When we lay you down on your changing area [formerly known as the dining room table] you stare at Chandy and hold lengthy conversations. What they are about we can only imagine, peace in the middle east? the world cup? I think we could leave you there all day and you would be perfectly content.

I hold you, kiss you and cuddle you as much as my heart desires. Some say it creates a habit where the child always wants to be held. Always? Will you want me to hold you and kiss your fingers and toes ten years from now? Even a year from now? Doubtful. So I let myself take in your sweet baby smell and cuddle that sweet soft baby skin. This newborn time is a precious time, it will be gone within a blink of an eye.

Your legs used to stay curled in fetal position despite the open space around you. I joked that you thought yourself still inside me. But just today I see your legs no longer curl, they stretch into space you now realize you have. I was surprised by my reaction to this development: tears. Children grow up and we wonder where the time went, or how they grew up so fast, I look at your legs that now straighten instead of fold and I realize it happens subtle moment by subtle moment. You will always be a part of me but bit by bit the distance between us begins to stretch.

Grow up baby, but don't grow up too fast.

Love,
Your Mama

Because THIS is why women go to sperm banks

2010-07-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

Watching a rerun of Law and Order SVU "Design" while I breastfeed Sunflower and there is a scene with a well dressed woman in a sperm bank as her daughter bangs on the piano in front of the owner. She's furious. Why? You see, she paid 20k for the sperm of a musician to ensure her daughter would be the next Mozart. I want my money back! she screams. She can't even play chopsticks all she does is bang on the damn keys! The owner says you did get sperm from a super musician! She responds then why did I get stuck with her? All while the child is sits there.

OK I get that Law and Order is not a prototype of reality. If so all crimes would be solved within a week like jigsaw puzzles and law professors would not bemoan the show for the incorrect way they handle the law giving laypeople horribly misguided expectations. But is this really what sends a woman to a sperm bank? It's like those horrid articles discussing donor egg and sperm in this very vein, like people prefer this method to create their family as opposed to their own DNA or having a partner for the sole purpose of raising super-geniuses. Granted, maybe there is someone out there who did this like the fictional Jan on The Office did, getting pregnant with donor sperm while dating Michael Scott because she didn't want his DNA in her baby. . . [and I let it go on shows like the Office since they are supposed to be humorous and not necessarily grounded in reality] but such people would be a very small minority.

As a minority I'm used to the media taking the actions of one and speculating the motives of all. Maybe if I wasn't part of the IF and loss community I'd not notice the generalizations that are created by episodes such as this, but I see it, and I guess when you're in the minority you are always at risk for the actions of few and media sensationalizing setting the judgmental tone towards many.

The OB appointment

2010-06-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

Jeez has it been that long since my last post? Me of the two posts a day? Each night as I try to drift off to sleep I compose long eloquent posts in my head but somehow these thoughts haven't been making it to an actual post.

The OB post-partum appointment went OK. They didn't check my blood sugars because I wasn't fasting and it had to be a two hour test. No one had told me this and no one seemed particularly in a hurry to get me checked for this. The OB told me just to do that on my next annual check up. I was terrified of the pelvic exam. T.e.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. I heart my OB but that woman checks me out down there like she's working on a car and I'm usually biting my lip to fight back tears. So naturally I was scared of the pain when she did it, but what actually happened was much worse: it didn't hurt at all. Like, I could hardly tell she did anything. Why aren't you doing cartwheels about this? You might ask. Well, um, (TMI. . . BUT-) how big am I now down there? She said see? It didn't hurt that's because a baby went through you. Yikes. We haven't done the deed since the baby has arrived and our eight year anniversary is Sunday- and um, I'm scared now.

She said that because I have a third degree tear that they would offer me the option of having a C-section next time because the nature of the tear meant I could have a risk of destroying my rectum area (or something like that). She said the risk was low but there. Great. Anyone with a 3+ degree tear have any insight on this by any chance?

I asked for Metformin and she said that since I'm nursing she didn't recommend it. It wasn't bad for nursing she said, but since the reason I'd be on it is to ovulate regularly and I'm not TTC right now, why not wait? I told her my weight is easier to lose when I'm on Met because it regulates my hormones but she said that wasn't a good enough reason to take Met and that nursing should help me get the weight losing boost I need. Sigh.

I asked her if I'd have to have Lovenox the next time (its cracking me up that I'm all assuming a next time but you gotta hope) and she said yes, we can't be sure it was the lovenox that saved this pregnancy but you had two miscarriages without it and one successful pregnancy with it so why rock the boat? She's right, but I guess it means I'll never have an option to have a natural birthing experience.

Our conversation left me wondering for days now, rolling her words over and over my mind, I had a successful pregnancy with it, without it, I miscarried. I have my baby now and I thought once he was here the pain of what I lost would vanish but the holes remain. What if I had lovenox then? What would Speck or Bug have been like? Out of all the combination of us that existed, which one would they have been? Seeing Sunflower, holding him, I'm so grateful and there are moments I'm wistful because he makes their possibilities more real. It's strange to feel that way because if I had them, I would not have him. In fact, because of losing Bug, I have Sunflower. This time last year I was pregnant with Bug though I did not know it at the time. That loss gave me my first normal ovulation ever and it was that cycle that my son was conceived. I shudder to think if I had listened to my OB who told me to wait a cycle before trying again. I shudder to think if I couldn't convince Jack to ignore that recommendation. I still remember that night, pleading. And now he's here. One day I will tell him what we went through to bring him into this world but I'll never guilt him with the shots I took for him or the labor I went through for him because as much as it was for him it was for me. because it was all selfish, so I could melt a million times over holding him in my arms. And he is worth everything.

Questions Questions

2010-06-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'm heading for the six week OB check-up on Monday and I'm nervous. What happens at this visit?? I'm nervous about the sugary drink they'll give me to recheck to see if the diabetes went away. I have PCOS and am insulin resistant so won't by numbers remain wonky? And, the real thing I'm worried about is the exam. I had a third degree tear. I am scared to death of what that means. Will the exam hurt like hell? Will I never have sex in the same way again?

I just got a post-partum belt because my friend told me it helps you get back into pre-baby shape faster. I'm not sure if it will help but I'm hoping. Any of you have good experiences with this?

Thank you in advance for any advice you may have!

First Visitors, Sigh.

2010-06-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

We're having our first visitors haul in tomorrow. I say first despite the fact that my cousin, parents, and brothers have come through and been with me on and off since Sunflower was born. My family came and took care of us. They swept up, got groceries for us, cooked, and pretty much helped keep the house running and my sanity intact. When they were coming I felt relief, not stress because I knew that a messy house would not offend them and they would not be offended by frozen pizza and canned soup.

Tomorrow however we are having visitors. My in-laws. I am organizing, cleaning and dusting. It will not be perfect, this house. I'm accepting that my bedroom will remain in a post-hurricane like state and the fridge while devoid of moldy foods will not be sparkly as it normally is. Basically, I'm making sure the toilets, towels, and sheets are cleaned and beyond that I can only do my best. [I'm shocked at even say this since in-law visits usually spark level three panic in me causing me to run around searching for dust behind the fridge and under the oven]

I hear Jack on the phone right now and the first question MIL asked was what have you guys cooked for the weekend? Sigh. While I am capable of making food and have cooked since he's arrived, the prospect of planning out breakfasts, lunches and dinners from Friday to Monday makes me kind of woozy. Granted, MIL will likely cook some stuff once she sees the pizza delivery guy for the second time but its still weight on my shoulders. I feel so selfish and like a bad daughter-in-law saying that, he is after all six weeks, not one week old. At some point I do have to start doing more than just getting by- just wish it was on my own terms.

Breastfeeding, in conclusion

2010-06-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

I thought I should update on the breastfeeding saga in the hopes that my story might help someone else. I started out breastfeeding hating it. I had a hormonal reaction to the act of nursing. I felt depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. The frequency of the feedings did not help matters either. I got to a point where I stopped breastfeeding and just offered him my milk in bottles via pumping. This helped and I was readying myself to pump and feed for the remainder of our time nursing, but then one day about 12 days into this method I ran out of pumped milk and he was screaming too loud for me to defrost any so I nursed him and- I didn't cry. I didn't want to sink into the depths of sadness. I felt just fine. I tried it again, and once again, the feelings I once had, were gone.

This could have been a great ending except that at the same time I stopped crying, little guy began crying. I think he got used to the bottle and was annoyed with the change of protocol. Why hike for your water when you can get it handed to you? Whatever it was, he began eating and then 10 minutes in turned red and screamed like I was pulling his toenails out. Not fun, I tell you. I experimented and fed him with a bottle and while fussy he didn't scream bloody murder. I kept at it though. When he got hysterical, Jack took him away from me, calmed him down, and we'd try again, and repeat. It was not fun. Then, one day, in the middle of crying as I tried feeding him he stopped. He looked up with a furrowed brow and just stared for a good minute. Then he went back to my breast and ate quietly, without incident. Since then, about nine days, we've been breastfeeding just fine.

Because of acid reflux, the pediatrician says he has a hard time knowing when he's full, so he will literally try eating for an hour if I let him and then promptly vomit. So now I feed him ten minutes on each side and when he cries I give him a pacifier. He weighed in at 9lb 10oz at the doctors office today so he's gaining about an ounce a day and the doctor said my method is fine.

I never thought I'd say I don't mind breastfeeding but I actually prefer it now to pumping and serving. I put my feet up on the coffee table and go through my DVRd shows, or read a book, or use one hand to scroll down my google reader and catch up on your blogs. Now that its only 20 minutes at a time, time flies.

I went from hating breastfeeding with a passion, to finding it tolerable but just barely, to now wondering what was my deal before? I am so glad I talked to lactation consultants about what I was going through and that I took it one feed at a time. Now, my goal of keeping this up for six months seems fine and not scary in the slightest. Who'd have thunk it??

Happy One Month Birthday

2010-06-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

Dear W,

When I was pregnant with you the days crept at snail's pace and now that you're here time shows no promise of slowing down. Some days I forget what day of the week it is since days and nights blend together seamlessly [as evidenced by the fact that your birthday was officially several days earlier!] This was a month of firsts. Your first car ride, your first doctor visit and first shot (ouch), your first cuddle and kiss. Sometimes I catch you staring with wide-eyed fascination at the fan, a brightly colored pillow or the gentle glow of the lamp and I'm reminded that everything is new to you, everything is a first. I wish I could ask you someday what it feels like to experience the world so new but like everyone before you and since you won't remember these moments that I will never forget.

On the surface it could seem like a mundane month. You eat, you sleep, you poop. But there is already so much more to you. Each day you grow and change. I'm amazed how someone so small dictates the life of everyone around him. I wake when you wake. I sleep when you sleep. You cry, I run. You smile, I melt.

I've held other people's babies before. Babies who in my arms turned from cooing angels into crying trembling creatures who I could simply not console. While pregnant with you I harbored a secret fear: what if I could not console you? The day they handed you to me you were indeed a crying trembling creature in but once in my arms your cries stopped, your eyes widened and you stared at me as if you had been searching for me your entire life.

Once upon a time I was a teacher and I met an amazing student. An Afghani refugee. He had seen his father die and his mother lose a leg to an IED. The things he endured could break a grown man and yet he came to school each day with a large smile and a zest for life. He was so funny, not like a little child, his sarcastic sense of humor made all the teachers laugh. The children respected him almost as an elder, as if they knew that inside this little boy was an old wise soul. Some people have a nur [light] that radiates from them and touches your heart- he had a special nur that touched everyone he met. In the middle of the school year he told me he was moving to Sacramento. We hugged each other and cried. I never saw him again. His name was W and he was easily one of the most special people I ever met.

Welcome to the world, you may only be one month old but you've been in my heart all my life.

Love,
Your Mama

Happy One Month Birthday

2010-06-07T18:02:00.002-07:00

I planned a newsletter filled with updates on his first month but little guy got acid reflux and Jack is out of town this week. . . so I'm a bit busy. In the meantime, a real quick happy first month birthday! Time is flying far too fast for my liking!

Breastfeeding and motherhood

2010-06-05T12:32:00.001-07:00

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is getting better. We have our bad days where there are tears on both our parts (including today) but I no longer cry from the act of feeding [though I do cry sometimes when he screams at my boob for 45 minutes). And he now weighs 8lb 10oz at his last doctor check which is very very nice.

I've now been breastfeeding over four weeks. He will be one month old Monday! The only way I made it with breastfeeding this far was taking it one day at a time, one feed at a time. I'm a type-A personality. As a lawyer I was trained to anticipate future outcomes, and map out plans. With breastfeeding I couldn't do that. The thought of sticking with it for six months made me want to have a panic attack... but one day at a time I've made it a month. To be honest, the thought of breastfeeding for six months still makes me feel overwhelmed but I'm taking it one day at a time. I hope that this lesson, that one day at a time you can make it through what you think is impossible, will stay with me beyond this.

It also helps to strengthen my resolve when I get Si.mil.ac and Enf.amil ads daily in the mail with things like feeding issues are normal- see our $5 coupon inside. And it disturbs me they had a brown baby on the cover. Are they targeting me?

Motherhood

Being his mother is awesome. I thought long and hard how to describe it, but there are no words so this inadequate word of awesome- it will have to do. I thought my love would just spring up like a geyser when he was born and while I did love him from the start, the depth of my love, it grows deeper each day. There are still days I can't believe he's here, that he's mine, that I am not living in some dream that I will wake up from.

I was worried that I would continue worrying once he got here as I worried through pregnancy but I'm not. Becoming a mother. . . I don't know how better to explain it but it feels like the razor that rubbed against my heart has finally been removed. I can turn off the one track mind- the hamster wheel that was my brain on infertility. Jack mentioned the other day that I seem like a different person. Ofcourse, I am but its not that I'm a truly different person, its that I can finally go back to who I was. Infertility is very ugly and it holds you in a vice. You don't fully get that until you are free from its clutches and can look back. Each smile, each cry, each coo, each diaper change and spit up- he's healing me.

Monday he turns one month old. I'm looking forward to my first newsletter to him. As a boy, I wonder if he'll ever care enough to go back and read these when he's older, but in truth, I'm doing them for me I guess. One month. Time is no longer standing still- its whizzing by- tell me, how is this fair?

Thoughts on Sleeplessness

2010-06-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

Sleep. I once guarded my sleep like a jealous husband. Sure I enjoyed a late night hangout with friends but the magic number was eight. Namely, I required eight hours of sleep to function be it all in the night hours or trickling into the afternoon. Even in law school where all nighters were a given, I might have stayed up past 3am on many a night, but that only meant I woke up at 11am the next day. Eight. Consecutive hours. I stress the consecutive because while my little boy respects the number eight, [heck he'll even sleep 18 hours on some days] he missed the memo on the whole consecutive thing.

During pregnancy veteran mama friends urged me with bleary eyes to rest as much as you can now! Sleep in for as long as you can stand it! Except that as humans, as opposed to bears, we can't really stock up on sleep via hibernation. So all the lazy Sunday mornings waking up and lazing about don't really help me at 3am as I rock a beautiful babe to sleep.

I snatch sleep when I can but heavy lids are now a constant companion. This past weekend Jack took a night shift, and my visiting parents took an early morning shift and I got two nights of six consecutive hours of sleep. It felt amazing. I heard there comes a time they sleep six hours in a row on the regular. Right now this sounds as mythical as the land of Oz but one can hope.

They say the best things in life are free. As I remember my sleep I know this to be true, but this lack of sleep is because of the truly best thing in my life, the one that has no price because it is truly priceless. Him. For him a thousand sleepless nights are worth it a thousand times over.

Sleep is one of our most intractable attachments. We claw and clutch and crave it. We adorn and worship it. We four hundred thread count it. It is our one sovereign domain. We hide out there; we fantasize and burrow there; we think we can't live without it. You will see that you can live without it- just enough. -Momma Zen

No one track mind here, nosirreebob

2010-06-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

K: What do you want for dinner?
Jack: I was going to warm up the frozen pizza
K: Is that going to be filling enough?
Jack: Well if not we can supplement the feed with the food your mom made.

It's entirely possible that it requires three hours of sleep to find the above exchange absolutely slapstick hilarious, but I seriously love how even our conversations about something as mundane as dinner has so subtly altered.

Breastfeeding- final thoughts hopefully

2010-05-31T08:42:00.000-07:00

I don't mean for this blog to become an all about breastfeeding blog but I wanted to give an update on how its going. Since last posting I stopped directly breastfeeding him, choosing to pump instead. Yesterday I had no spare milk and he was starving so I decided to nurse him. It went bad. We tried for 45 minutes and he screamed until his throat went hoarse. I guess this is what they call nipple confusion. I gave him to Jack who fed him formula and I ran upstairs and cried my eyes out in the dark. Today after a day of pumping and feeding I decided to try breastfeeding again. Again, he began screaming but Jack would take him away when he cried and soothe him and we'd try again. Finally he latched and though it took us a lot longer than it should he nursed successfully. And you know what? His eyes closed, his arms resting on my breast, it felt nice. When we got done he looked at me as though he was seeing me for the first time. He smiled at me and cooed and while I'm sure at this stage (three weeks) its probably gas like the books say, his little smile flew right into my heart and melted it completely. It gives me the strength to continue. I can't say the issue I've had with breastfeeding is over, after all, this is only a one time thing, but today I didn't cry instantly and I felt some hope. It also helped that Jack took a night feeding shift and my parents are visiting so I've actually managed to get more than four consecutive hours of sleep. When you feel more rested, things don't seem so dire.

It was hard to give formula. I wept and felt like such a failure. Then I read a passage from Momma Zen (seriously, if you're pregnant or parenting you must buy this book). She urges you to see food as food, to not look at it as representing failure or success. I've been fixated on breastfeeding = success and formula= failure that the feeding became way more than about the feeding, it become a matter of ego, a matter of me. This reminder helped me let go. Sometimes he will get formula- and its okay.

Another difficult issue about breastfeeding has been the time commitment. A feeling of being trapped (and I'm not alone in feeling this way). A lactation consultant told me law school required you to focus to get through it. Its hard but you did it because it was worth it. I'm trying to see it this way. Quitting law school tempted me countless times but I took it one day at a time and found my way through. Mama Zen talks about how parenting requires facing your ego (I swear she's not paying me to plug her!) I've lived thirty years and eight years of marriage on my own schedule. I'm not sure but perhaps this is playing a part here too.

I've heard at two months breastfeeding will get easier. Today I feel strong enough to get there. Maybe when I'm sleep deprived again I will feel differently- but I'm hanging on to this feeling today. I can't tell you how beautiful it felt for him to nurse on me and for there not to be instant tears springing to my eyes.

Done Waiting

2010-05-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to take this feeding thing one day at a time. Each day is the day we're going to try the formula to see how he reacts but each day I end up rushing to squeeze another pumping session in. I only get a max of 2-3 oz per session. I heard I should pump at night to maintain supply but I can't bring myself to do it so I either directly nurse him at night or use a saved bottle of milk. If I go too long without nursing or pumping I wake up a disgusting leaky mess but its difficult to figure out how to choose between that or getting some precious drops of sleep in.

People keep telling me to stick with it and after three months it will get better. No. No. No. I will take it one day at a time. I can manage that but I am not waiting for three months. You see, I am done waiting. I waited a long time to get pregnant. I waited a long time to have this baby but now Sunflower is here. I'm swimming in his beautiful glossy eyes. His silky soft hair. His soft baby skin. I'm inhaling his baby smell as I soothe his cries by cuddling him against my body. He's beautiful and perfect and I waited a long time for him. I can hardly believe I saw him when he looked like a shrimp, then a peanut, then a skeleton waving hello. It was a long wait to meet him and now? I'm done waiting. I'm focusing on living and enjoying each moment. I refuse to stare at calendars any longer and miss out on a thing and what that means for my breastfeeding success is secondary to enjoying this miracle of mine in the here and now.

Two things they never told me

2010-05-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

Three days. It's been three days since the baby blues have left the building. Thank you GOD. It truly feels like I was living in a fog and its finally dissipated. There are some things they never told me about in the books I had read, like 80% of women experience the baby blues. And that just because you struggled with IF and loss doesn't mean you're spared. I'm grateful for you all, and dear friends who helped me not beat myself up for the ugly thoughts that passed through my head. Letting myself feel the feelings helped them pass through me quickly.

Also, despite reading tons of articles, and books on breastfeeding, none of them told me how difficult it can be. I just finished a book that literally said there are no downsides to breastfeeding. And yet there ARE downsides, there are hormonal reactions that can happen, the act of feeding is exhausting and the constant requirement that one be available at the boob can be draining on a woman. I wonder if more women give up on breastfeeding because no one talks about this stuff. Had I known I could have prepared for it, instead I cried constantly and felt like a bad selfish mother. Little guy is still 100% breastfed but honestly I'm not sure how long I will continue. Formula is not acid and each day its siren call to me grows stronger- but you know, seeing his little face, it gives me the strength to try to hang on for one more day [I call it his Zoolander pose][Katery, recognize the outfit?? :)]:

Breastfeeding

2010-05-20T14:41:00.001-07:00

I've read your comments at least three times, its given me comfort to know that its okay to feel the way I do about breastfeeding. In case someone comes across this blog looking for information, I wanted to share the articles people left in the comments that I found fascinating and have helped me make sense of what I'm going through.

Anonymous shared this article about the studies about breastfeeding. While perhaps better than formula the over hype may be unwarranted.

Suzanne Jones (can't seem to link to your blog!) shared this about the rise of women pumping exclusively. This made me feel so much better.

Alyssa shared this website about a condition called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reaction, an emerging condition that is being researched where a breastfeeding woman has a drop in dopamine due to the act of feeding which triggers negative emotions just like I've been feeling.

Yesterday I pumped exclusively all day and felt like a fog was lifted from me. I could enjoy my baby without the hormones clogging up space. I didn't celebrate just yet because I couldn't be sure if I was out of the woods.

At night though, when I planned to breastfeed him, he grew frustrated and cried so much trying to eat, probably because a bottle is much easier and he had gotten used to it. Eventually he ate but it took a long ten minutes to get to that point. I began wondering if I needed to breastfeed him more so he didn't lose the ability. . . so today I breastfed him before going to the dentist and all the emotions bubbled up again. It's like an instant reflex, feed = blues. But then, at the dentist I began missing him and despite wearing breast pads I was a leaking mess. When I got home he was hungry and I didn't have time to pump so I fed him directly and did not have the negative emotions. It could because the emotion of missing him was stronger.

Jack was talking with a colleague who used to be a lactation consultant (It is SO weird that he keeps meeting lactation consultants) and she said for some women there is an instant trigger of tears with breastfeeding, particularly women with good supply, and that it can take a month or more to resolve that and she said I'd naturally want to breastfeed more than pump as time went by. I don't know if that's true or not but its nice to think so.

It feels weird to pump, clean the pump and bottle, feed him from the bottle. I'm adding steps that don't need to be there but at least now its what works. I literally fantasize about going to Costco and buying buckets of formula. I sit and just visualize it and smile. It would be easier but I've heard this is the hardest time so I feel determined to push through. . .

Emerging

2010-05-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm in the second week of parenthood. It has been an incredible ride so far. I can tell you about his cute little toes and how they curl when we bathe him. Or how he smiles in his sleep and the way his hair is so silky soft I can't stop touching it. This is all true but I also want to be honest and tell you I've also been experiencing what they term the 'baby blues'. I'm scared to admit that on an IF blog since I know I have what all of us want, a healthy happy baby. He is just that, he is the answer to my prayers, I could not have asked for a better baby and yet- I've struggled with the baby blues and I'm praying that they will not escalate into the scary PPD. I'm scared to talk about it because I don't want you to judge me, but at the same time, I remember Mel once said that IFers have higher rates of depression post-baby than other populations and maybe the reason is because we don't talk about it and when we don't talk about it the dark thoughts fester and spread like cancer.

I have the usual weepiness over small things which I hear all mothers have. I also have a root canal issue I'm trying to resolve which doesn't help. But the biggest struggle has been breastfeeding. Namely- I hate it. And this both shocks and depresses the shit out of me. I dreamed of breastfeeding him. I was one of those people nuts for breastfeeding. So far- he hasn't taken an ounce of formula but the act of breastfeeding is triggering my blues. I have what seems to be good supply, he latches well, but I find myself weeping almost every other time I feed him. I can't figure out why. I thought breastfeeding triggered happy feelings but for me it triggers tears.

Jack met a girl to buy an edger off Craigslist and as they small talked she told him she was a lactation consultant. Of all the careers right? She also worked at my pediatricians office. She told Jack to tell me to call her. I did and she told me its hard at first but after six weeks it gets easier. She gave me advice about feeding and this helped, I took it as a sign from God that I needed to keep going and it helped to feel this way for about a day- but then today, I again wanted to cry each time I had to feed him.

I want to enjoy Sunflower. I waited SO long for him and yet this breastfeeding thing is taking over everything. It's taking away my joy. Today I just at the dinner table and wept for nearly an hour about the guilt I feel at not liking it. Jack and my mom are urging me to just stop but how can I when its the best possible thing for him? I tell myself in six weeks it will be easier but right now six weeks feels far away and I don't want to wish away six weeks, I want to enjoy this child I waited for so long!

I don't mind pumping- its annoying sure, but it doesn't trigger the same emotions and again- I can't tell you why. I'm experimenting for tomorrow and will pump and bottle feed him during the day and see how that goes. (Again- irrational as it sounds I don't mind breastfeeding him at night). I know that pumping mostly instead of direct breastfeeding can affect supply in the long run but maybe it can help me hang on longer than it would otherwise.

If that doesn't help I'm so confused. I feel such guilt considering formula so I feel stuck in a catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm just afraid that this issue will spiral and I might get postpartum. I don't have that right now. I'm not depressed, but I'm frustrated and stressed and weepy about this issue.

I want to do what's best for him. I know my milk is best for him. And yet the act of feeding is affecting me in ways I never knew it could.

Sunflower's birth story

2010-05-12T10:40:00.001-07:00

First, if anyone wants to file a class action lawsuit with me against TLC for their "Baby Story" series please let me know. I intend to sue for messing with "mothers-t0-be expectations of birth" and if this is not yet legally actionable then perhaps we can take a trip to Congress to make it so. Just kidding. . . I guess.

I went in to the hospital Thursday night around 4am because of painful contractions. They checked me and I was still only 1cm dilated but the contractions implied labor seemed ready to perhaps kick start but they told me to come back in a few hours for my scheduled induction. Jack and I went home, we cleaned up a bit, and went out to eat dinner at Boneheads. It's just a fish joint but it felt almost sacred eating since we knew it would be our last meal as a couple.

We checked into the hospital around 7:30pm. They put the IV in wrong (and left it in like that for the entire labor process causing my right hand to swell to triple its size) and inserted the cervadil. They kept trying to get me to get an enema but I was in so much pain I said no. I don't know other people's experience with Cervadil but mine was brutal as the contractions I was already getting ramped up to the umpteenth degree. They offered me Morphine. I was trying to refuse it since we saw it had adverse reactions to animal fetuses. But the pain. I listened to soothing music. I tried breathing techniques but the pain got so brutal I wanted to die and so I asked for the shot of Morphine. The morphine did not help at which point the nurse offered me an epidural. This pissed me off since she could have offered that to begin with. While they went to get the anesthesiologist my water broke. The cervadil induced contractions ramped up to beyond "hospital policy" so they removed it. Once the epidural was in, I felt like myself again despite being numbed from the waist down. At least the pain was gone. The doctor looked at my water and said it looked like the baby had passed meconium. She told me a team would be there upon baby's birth to suction him out so I would not get skin-on-skin contact immediately. I said that was fine since baby's health ofcourse is most important.

From 5am when my water broke onwards, they began the pitocin and my cervix continued to progress 1cm every few hours like clockwork. Around 6ish the doctor came in and told me I could be ready to push at any time and when I felt the urge to let her know as she had another woman at the same stage of the laboring process as me next door. I told her I couldn't feel anything waist down so how am I supposed to know if I'm having an urge to push. She hesitated and then offered to check. When she checked she said with surprise that Sunflower was already in my birth canal and I needed to start pushing now.

So I pushed. I thank the nurse with me because she was so caring and encouraging. But. That pushing. On no food. No water (fuck the IV that doesn't help my dry throat) and pain (because it kicked in now) Is hard. I honestly did not think I could do it. It was the most draining, most difficult process of my entire life. It took me 40 minutes and then he was born into this world at 7:02pm.

The rest was a blur.

The doctor did not let Jack cut the cord saying they had to quickly get him to the neonatal team. This makes me cry as I write this because I saw his crestfallen face. Still, you have to do what you have to do. I got a third degree tear so the doctor was stitching me while my son lay under yellow lights getting suctioned. He sobbed hysterically until they brought him to me and then- he stopped. Just like that as soon as he laid eyes on me. He stared at me with his big eyes as if he knew me already, as if he had been wondering where I'd been.

As I held him I began feeling dizzy. I asked Jack to hold him. Then I told the nurse I was seeing black dots and then the next thing I knew I was out cold. I would come to and then fall back out of consciousness. I think this went on for 10-15 minutes.I have no recollection of what happened during those 10-15 minutes but when I came to I was told I spiked a 104 degree fever and my blood pressure had dropped dangerously. Apparently I was not fully unconscious during those 10-15 minutes because I told everyone I was dying, I told Jack to love our son and tell him his mother loved him. I don't think I was in danger of dying but apparently this is what I said. I slowly began recovering but still was too weak to hold him. Each time I tried my hands started shaking. I couldn't stop crying because he was moving his lips and his tongue rooting, trying to find my breast but he couldn't. They then had to take him away because they had to make sure he did not have any infection like they suspected I had. Jack stayed with him, and held him and bonded with him and I'm grateful because I did not get to hold him until about 5am. Nine hours after giving birth.

It's interesting isn't it? It's like was teaching me a lesson. Expect the unexpected. I wanted a vaginal delivery for only one reason. To have the skin-to-skin contact. To hold him right away and despite a vaginal delivery he was away from me for nine hours.

I can never explain the feeling when they brought him to me. The nurse undressed him and lay him across my chest. And he just snuggled up to me. Nope, I may call myself a writer, but words can't capture how that felt. Even now I find myself crying just remembering it.

They had to prick my son with so many needles to test for issues because of my health and we ended up having to stay a bit longer than we would have otherwise have had to because of it, but the tests thank God were all normal, as were mine.

I thought I was going to lose some weight considering I let go of a placenta, and a nearly 8 pound baby but my weight loss is only 3 pounds. The doctor says its normal? My legs and feet are very swollen. Again, I'm told this is normal.

I have my son and he is healthy and that's all that matters. I can't say I like the hospital experience and had I had an option, or at least felt I had an option, I would never ever go through that process again. If you are pregnant and are complication free I strongly encourage you to consider a birthing center or a more natural process, but- that's just my take.

We're home now. I'm better. I remain a steady 99-100 degree with fever and no one really says what that means though they suspect it might be the pre-onset of mastitis. This comes from thrush I read, which is on the baby's tongue so I am wanting to pump and feed, but everyone says you can't do that you have to feed from the breast! So I'm confused. He prefers the breast but honestly I don't understand why I can't pump and give him some milk this way once in a while just so I can maybe get an extra hour of rest or maybe stop my breasts from getting infected? It's not formula, its still my breast? [Wow- I got random, didn't I?]

So, that's my birth story. Not very eloquent but it is what it is. In conclusion- just because you have a vaginal delivery- it certainly doesn't guarantee you get the experience you want. But- the beautiful child you get at the end? It's worth it a million times over.

The State of the Blog

2010-05-11T16:02:00.001-07:00

My mother and MIL are setting up dinner. Jack is out getting pictures developed for the technologically challenged family members. I'm sitting here in the family room watching my son in the baby swing sleeping. He is so tiny. It's hard to believe he will get bigger, that one day he won't stare into my eyes after a feeding with wide eyed wonder. I see Jack hold his son, change his diapers, shed tears at his vaccination and I feel so much love, so much love in my heart that I ache knowing how temporary it is, how one day we will get old, one day he will grow up. I just want to freeze frame this moment of seeing him cuddled and warm and sleeping forever. But don't let it be mistaken, I'm enjoying these moments, I'm savoring them for the priceless moments they are.

I decided I'm going to keep blogging though I might change the title and I think its important I go a *little* less anonymous for reasons I'll explain in another post (speaking of which, his name is on the jpeg of his picture). There is so much I want to write about. The birth story, the first few days, the feeding, the emotions. I want to have a place I can write and come back to remember and hopefully what I share might be of interest to others.

I've got the hang of my iPod touch so please know I'm keeping up with your blogs while feeding Sunflower but its tough to comment that way. Hopefully once the daze of the first few weeks passes I will get back to commenting.

Picture!

2010-05-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

First, I hope you all are well and as always thank you thank you for loving and caring comments. You know K is busy when miss-twice-daily blogger goes silent for days. Veteran mothers can feel free to laugh but new motherhood is bewildering in how busy one gets particularly when you're up every hour to feed. [Pauses for a moment to consider I'm a mother now. . . wow. . .] Posts continue to brew in my head but there are breasts to be pumped and poops to be stressed over, so in the meantime until I get my bearings. . . I wanted to share a picture with you guys. Isn't he beautiful? Nope- not biased at all! :)

Happy Birthday Sunflower

2010-05-09T05:34:00.001-07:00

This will be brief, more details to follow but. . .

Sunflower is here!

Born May 7, 2010 at 7:02pm. 21.5 inches long 7lb14oz.

We are both doing well and will be discharged hopefully sometime tonight. When I get my bearings around me I will write about what happened and ofcourse share plenty of pictures! I hope you all are doing well.

Off to Induction

2010-05-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

I came home and managed to sleep a little and feel like a new person. A lot more optimistic, a lot more hopeful. Thank you for your e-mails and your comments, they gave me comfort and reminded me its normal to feel this way and that I will get through this. I feel incredibly blessed to be here. There was a time I could not watch a TV scene showing a L&D room without bursting into tears. There was time a hospital was not a place of hope. No matter how nervous I may feel, no matter how many things don't go according to plan- if Sunflower is okay- there is truly nothing else that holds a candle to that ultimate goal. I'm going to do the best I can, that's all I can do.

I'm going in tonight at 7pm and will be induced Friday morning. Please keep me and Sunflower in your prayers. Many of you held my hand as I recovered from my first miscarriage, and celebrated then cried with me when I lost my second. You've never laughed at my fears with this pregnancy and your support has kept me buoyed. Thank you.

See you on the other side!

Nope- not even close

2010-05-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

I ended up at L&D. We waited five hours to be seen by a doctor. My contractions measured at 8-10 minutes apart. Despite the herbal pills, the long walks, the eggplant, the membrane sweeping, the bloody show, my cervix is thick, way far up, and I am still only 1cm dilated. The on call OB did not know my history so said go home and we'll schedule you for an induction at maybe 41 or 42 weeks because you're not even close to being ready. And then he looked at my chart and said never mind you have GD and thrombophilia. Come back tonight for your scheduled induction. I stared at him. Can't you just keep me here, start the cervadil and get the show on the road instead me coming back in six hours? Nope. He told me my odds of a C-Section are very high given the state of my cervix but because of my issues oh fucking well.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me but in the effort to be fully honest here about my experience I will admit to feeling very emotionally vulnerable. I feel foolish for having headed over there. I should have stayed put at home. I should have let Jack catch up on rest. I keep bursting into hysterical sobs which for the life of me I don't understand? Maybe its because being in hospitals reminds me of loss, not birth. Maybe I feel bad that Jack thought it might not be time and I insisted we go, and he was right. I keep apologizing to him and he keeps responding to me like I'm three with a gentle smile and no need to apologize you did the right thing. Over and over again because I can't seem to stop apologizing.

The pain is intense. It's horrifying. When it attacks I can't sleep through it. I can no longer talk through it. Nor can I walk through it. It feels like the bottom half of my body is trying to rip itself off my torso. And what do I get for it? I get absolutely no progress. Nothing to show for this pain. I feel like a liar. Like my threshold for pain is too low, but the contractions registered high on the machine when they monitored me. It really fucking hurts.

I am maintaining hope for a vaginal delivery but I'm going to be honest, the hope is dwindling and I almost want to ask them to just section me since they continue to tell me any opportunity they get how high my chances are for this. I shouldn't be angry at my body, but the familiar frustration is coming back even though I know logically most women pass their due dates and had I not had the "high risk" factors my body would likely have done the right thing over time.

I know I sound ungrateful. Please know I realize the important thing at the end of the day is a healthy happy Sunflower. I think the pain, the lack of sleep, the frustration at the lack of progress is just wearing on me. But- I know there is a bigger picture. Hopefully tomorrow, when I meet Sunflower, regardless of vaginally or C-section, all this frustration will melt away.

L&D Conflicted

2010-05-06T01:19:00.000-07:00

Contractions picked up their pace. 11 from 1:00-2:00am. 12 from 2:00-3:00. In the 3:00am hour and they've slowed down again. The on-call doctor said I could go to L&D to be evaluated but. . . I don't know what to do. They're not evenly spaced contractions. Yes they hurt like hell, but for example, the last contraction was at 3:11 and its 3:21 now and no contraction yet. I wish my water would break so I just knew but as it stands I can't figure out if this is just prodromal or not.

1 more day, I guess?

2010-05-06T00:23:00.000-07:00

The promising contractions are irregular again averaging 8-9 minutes mostly but but with breaks that last up to 15 minutes though when the contraction comes its more painful than the last. I'm wondering how high the pain will ultimately ratchet up to.

In the morning L&D will call to schedule us. 6pm they plan to insert the Cervadil. 6am Friday morning the induction begins. I wonder what happens if I'm already dilated enough? Will they begin the induction tomorrow evening? That seems logical? Ofcourse, hope springs eternal and I hope we won't have to induce but I accept either option.

This is my last night without him on the outside. This might be the last night I feel his little butt wiggle against my womb, his fingers poking me, his feet stretching my stomach outwards. I'm trying to memorize this moment. Etch it forever in my mind. It blows my mind. Can't wait to meet him.

More on Contractions

2010-05-05T18:30:00.001-07:00

The last five contractions are now 8-9 minutes apart. And they hurt. But. How much are they supposed to hurt? They hurt enough to make me want to moan. They make me want to stop walking. They make me not want to talk. However. The standard provided to me was: you are unable to walk and unable to talk. I am able to do these things the pain is just so intense I don't want to. Also- my standard of pain might be different from your standard of pain. My 8 on the Richter scale might be a 2 for you, or a 10. I wonder what's going to happen. . .

AND- might I add everyone is pissing me off? Jack sitting on the couch is so annoying. My mom asking me how I'm feeling is maddening. Yes- that is irrational. My, am I cranky.

[Sorry for incessant updates- just need a place to write, a place to make sense of it, to record to remember later. Thanks for reading and for your support]

Waiting and Wondering

2010-05-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

The contractions remain irregular but each one is more painful than the last. Whereas before it was possible to just do something else and take my mind off the pain, now its stopping me in my tracks and honestly, sort of scares me. They average every 18 minutes, sometimes closer. My hope is even if I don't go into full blown labor before its time to go to the hospital tomorrow evening I'll have dilated enough not to need 12 hours of cervadil to ripen my cervix and we can just start the induction. (and this word ripen- its just so weird in the context of my body- I feel like we're trying to turn some avocado into guacamole)

I feel like there's a timer ticking in me- any minute it will beep. Any minute I'll be done baking. Any minute. . . I'm trying to take my mind off it as much as I can. The house is now spotless. I made some food to freeze for later. There is no use being scared because when it comes to labor, there is no way out but through, and Sunflower and I will, God Willing, get through this.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

2010-05-05T01:23:00.000-07:00

My mom read me a story as a child where a boy shephard would prank villagers that a wolf was trying to eat his sheep. People would come, he'd laugh, they'd leave. One day a real wolf came, he cried wolf, no one came, all his sheep got eaten. Moral of story: It sucks to be a sheep.

I feel like this boy saying this but I'm starting to wonder if I'm in early labor. 8 contractions in the 6am hour, I slept from 7-8 and then was woken up around 8am and had 8 contractions. 9am so far I've had 5 and its only 9:30. They hurt. They wrapped around my stomach like a rubber band. When they are here I think they'll never go away. Once it leaves I feel relief. I'm also getting pink mucus discharge. I'm rating each contraction. Half are of medium-strong strength, 1/4 are medium strength and 1/4 are weak. I'm not counting the weak ones. It's not full on labor but I think I might be in the early stages. I am going to consult Dr. Google.

Most tellingly I wonder: Why exactly do I hate C-sections? What is my issue with epidural? Because this pain? This pain is incredible.

2 more days

2010-05-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

My OB stripped my membranes today in an effort to spark labor. I'm sorry in advance, she said. I shrugged, lay down, and then [&!#$$$]<-- insert every foul word ever invented. It hurt so much I saw black dots. OB said the contraction that I had is the type to call in to them about as a sign that labor begun. OH.MY.GOD. I'm still 1cm dilated but she said my cervix is softer and lower. Since then I'm losing my mucus plug which is a sign of labor, oooor maybe not! And I'm having a lot of contractions and feel kind of dazed and confused. If I don't go into labor before my induction these are all still good signs that my body is getting more ready.

I've known my OB for over two years now and today she had some time to talk to me and Jack and it was funny how she's got me figured out. I know its scary but you can't control the labor process, she said. You've researched, you're informed, but ultimately this baby will decide when he comes and how he comes. Maybe its being the eldest who was responsible for resolving my parents arguments, and watching my brothers, and being a teacher- but I do feel like I need to hold on, I need to carry it even if it is something I can't control.

But I can't control labor. And today when she swept my membranes and I felt the strongest most painful contraction of my life I had no thoughts but the pain. In that moment there was no ability nor desire to control just a desire to simply to get through the moment. And that's when the obvious concept hit me again, this is what its all about, its a series of moments that make up a life.

I've allowed my mind free reign to roam with worry and fear because I thought I'll stop worrying once Sunflower arrives. But I'm beginning to think that the worries will not go away, they will simply morph and take new shape. I will make mistakes but it does no good to anticipate what they will be. I will feel confused and frustrated at times but those moments are not today. I need to stop looking so far ahead because I will lose sight of the now.

If you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll recognize these thoughts since I'm constantly reigning myself in from letting fear fill my house with helium balloons and float me away. I guess I'm just a work in progress but I know what I need to work on. Slowly I think I'll get there.

I may have shared this poem before. I'm going to take it with me when I go into labor:

Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings.
Move within, but don’t move the way fear makes you move.
-- Rumi

3 more days- random scatterbrained thoughts

2010-05-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

Last night a major storm passed through. The thunder was so loud it shook the house and woke Sunflower. It was incredible. One second my eyes flutter open to the flashing light and the loud crack of thunder and the next I hear little feet kicking and squirming followed by hiccups. I rubbed my belly in the dark as rain hit the windows, talking to him in a soothing voice, and just like that the movements slowed and then, silence. It worked. I soothed him.

It hit me again that there's a real person in there. A person who, though in utero found comfort in me. I'm scared of a C-section because I won't be able to hold him right away. And I'm the one he'll most likely recognize. I'm scared if we miss out on those first few moments we'll miss vital bonding time, that maybe the right hormones won't release from me and somehow I might feel distant from my son. I've read that C-Sections can trigger PPD and that scares me too since I know it can happen to anyone, no matter how wanted the baby is.

I'm at a more peaceful place right now but I've had moments of sheer terror today. Not about the labor but the aftermath of raising him. I have a lot of ideas of the kind of parent I want to be and I'm getting scared of how I'll actually do it. I was raised with no television for the first few years of my life, and didn't know what cartoons were until I went to Kindergarten. I want the same for my child but I watch a lot of TV. I want my child not to have to struggle with his weight and to be healthy but I eat a lot of crappy food. Do I tell him to do as I say, not as I do? I am planning to stop these things and Jack is planning to cut our cable when our contract ends in December- but will we do it? Will we be able to become the perfect people we need to be? The perfect people this baby deserves?

I'm trying to not think so much. I'm trying to just live in this moment. I wonder if its infertility that is making me think so much about all of this. Had I simply been able to get and stay pregnant at will would all this feel much more matter of fact for me?

And because I said this is a scatterbrained post, when I realized the title of this post is three more days, it reminded me of my favorite singer Ray LaMontagne, and a song he has by just that name [and no, it has nothing to do with babies!]

Conversations

2010-05-03T09:10:00.001-07:00

As I said in the earlier post I had to have some conversations today, both with Dr. MFM to convince her to give me a weight estimate (they only do it every four weeks and it was only three weeks), and then with my OB to see how far I could go without inducing.

Dr. MFM agreed to weigh Sunflower and I was scared they'd tell me I was on track to birth a ten pound baby but he measured 7lb5oz: 50th percentile. Not much more than his weight three weeks ago (6lb14oz). Dr. MFM even if we are off by a pound, he's 8.5 pounds. Nothing alarming and I'm amazed considering I have GD. I got excited and suggested maybe we can go past my due date then by a week or so to see if he can come naturally? To this she emphatically shook her head. It's not the GD baby she's worried about but more that each day I pass my due date the risks associated with thrombophilia go up and if I chose to go past the due date it would be against medical advice though she admitted that the odds are in my favor should I go past my due date the baby would most likely be okay.

I honestly believe I'd be fine going past my due date but three out of four doctors are urging me to not pass my due date so I'm not going to fight it. I talked to the OB's nurse. She's going to get me scheduled to go to the hospital Thursday night for cervadil to attempt to ripen the cervix and then induction Friday morning. A step-OB will be on call but oh well. I'd rather wait until Thursday night with the hope that perhaps my body can get more favorable in the next few days, rather than go in tonight and always wonder.

I'm doing my best to let go of my need to be in control. I'm going to continue taking the evening primrose oil and walking and hoping and praying he comes on his own time before induction- but- I'm accepting I can't control when he comes and what happens if I'm induced. I'm going to write my birth plan (or birth hopes would be more accurate) tonight and mentally ready myself for whatever may come Friday.

4 more days

2010-05-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

4 more days. Wow. wow. WOW.

It's midnight and I'm a bit nervous about the conversations I'll have to have. I should have been going in for my induction tonight but instead I'm waiting to hear from my OB and seeing how difficult it will be to push for a Friday/Saturday induction. I hate confrontation and going against authority, so we'll see how that goes. I also have my last MFM appointment for this pregnancy in the morning! They keep saying they wont' weigh him anymore since its not going to be accurate but I want to ask them to do it anyway just to have some sort of an idea since the biggish baby argument is the big one my OB is using for induction.

I took the primrose oil, walked to the point of sheer exhaustion. There's a crazy storm coming tonight and I hope the pressure will send me straight to labor too but I'm so exhausted that if I go into labor naturally tonight I don't know how well I'll do. Besides, all these things? Not working yet. It seems everything could send you into labor tonight!!! oorrrr maybe not. So like Lisa suggested I think I'm going to rest a bit more from here on out. I'm so tired I don't have the energy to put away any of the dishes. I've been cleaning up spotless each night before bed for fear that I will go into labor, rush to the hospital, and my in-laws will walk into our messy house to discover how we truly live! Gasp! Tonight I don't care so I'm hoping Murphy's law will ensure natural labor tonight!

This last weekend of coupledom felt special. We slept in, held hands on our walks, ate frozen yogurt out of the same cup, and had the types of conversations we stopped having somewhere along the way, about life, our perspectives, our childhoods. Being married as long as we have I forget sometimes that there is so much more to know and love about him. Also, IF, loss, and pregnancy has in some ways swallowed up the rest of our life. It was nice to be a couple this weekend.

But. We're ready now. We're ready Sunflower. We're done waiting. Please come to us. Come to us as soon as you can. Preferably tonight. You know your mama hates confrontation. Thank you.

5 more days**

2010-05-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

U2 says desperation is a tender trap. Hence our visit to Scalinis on the complete other end of town tonight. Its an Italian restaurant where the eggplant purportedly puts women into labor within 48 hours. [If you don't live in the ATL they provide a recipe on-line]. I was impressed with the numbers: 300 women have gone into labor upon eating the eggplant we've had on our menu for 25 years! Hmm. 300/25= 12 per year = 1 per month = coincidence. [Damn me and my math skillz!] Still, it was fun to engage in an Atlanta tradition and after a day of zero contractions I did get a few since we left. Still- not.holding.my.breath.

I grew massively in the past few days. One minute I was big. The next- bigger. It's actually frightening. I tried to bring labor on today with the eggplant, mopping the house, scrubbing the walls, not thing, no real signs of labor. I'm exhausted though. And even though I haven't eaten that much today I have the worst indigestion and acid reflux I've ever had.

Tomorrow, Jack and I are planning to power walk in the mall, and buy some primrose oil tablets and an exercise ball from Target. I heard bouncing on it can help ripen the cervix? Question about primrose, the one at Target said "oral use" is there a different one to insert near the cervix or same deal? Hopefully between prayer, primrose, power walks, bouncy balls, and egg plant something will happen!!!

**Updated to say: He got super active around 2am while we were finishing up a movie. Ridiculously so. Kicking, squirming, moving, and then- when I got up Jack and I gasped because my stomach now looks like a different stomach. It looks almost like a torpedo. I swear it looks lower than it was but I can't be certain but its certainly changed shape. Is this lightening? Dr. Google said When the baby begins to drop, you will notice that your abdomen will change shape, shifting down and forward. Unfortunately Dr. Google says this can happen 2-4 weeks before natural labor begins. Dangit. Please let me be an exception. :(

6 more days

2010-05-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for your advice in the last post. [And Murgdan- your educated opinion is never assvice!] I feel better. I was raised to be a"good girl" which even at this age makes disagreeing uncomfortable. But- even if my choice annoys them, they can't say well we won't deliver you EVER. [right?]. I'm trying to alleviate my anxiety by reminding myself theres no induction police. I've loved my OB but she's disappointing me at the end.

My logic to wait a few more days is (1) An induction is serious and guarantees pitocin and the whole cascade of medical interventions which (2) boost the odds of a C-section. (3) Yes I have a GD baby but he's not going to gain a pound between Tuesday and Friday but (4) waiting a few more days until Friday could possibly progress me further, maybe not at all, but it could.

She kept saying 'Think of the baby first. I know you don't want a C-section but his health is paramount' which frustrates me because duh, but a C-section isn't the best option for him either. We don't get our skin on skin contact. Nursing is delayed. There's a lot that sucks for him too. Besides, he's being monitored weekly by MFM, they check everything and he's (thank God) scoring excellent. Besides we're talking about four days. And if we're going with convenience why should I accommodate her on-call schedule? Friday means Jack can catch up on his work, my family can drive up instead of taking pricey last minute flights and renting cars to get to the hospital. Hell, if we're going to do this for convenience why not my convenience then? Monday is quite inconvenient for me and my family. (not that this is why I want to wait until Friday).

Then because they said go in Monday, a part of me gets afraid that what if I don't listen and something God Forbid, bad happens. . . but I'm trying to push this out of my mind. Had my OB been on call Friday that would've been the scheduled induction date. This is not a medically necessitated induction on Tuesday. I'm trying to control my frustration. Most first timers go past their due date and here I am getting frustrated at my body for not going into labor already when its probably behaving perfectly normal.

I haven't prayed as much as I would like in the past few months. I feel guilty that now I am praying. I am begging for natural labor. I hope I will be heard and answered. If you remember, toss a prayer in for me and Sunflower. Much appreciated.

Induction, Conflicted**

2010-04-30T09:35:00.001-07:00

I'm so frustrated I want to punch a door or something. I went to the OB today and I'm not 2 cm dilated as one of the step-OBs thought. Just like Dr.MFM my OB thinks I'm 1cm dilated and the cervix is still long and hard. She then said how about get you in Monday to soften the cervix and induce Tuesday? Say what? I asked her, I thought I needed to have a ripe cervix to have success at an induction. She said she'd ideally like to see me at 2-3 cm dilated before scheduling an induction but because of my 'special circumstances' she doesn't want to have me go past my due date. What are the special circumstances:

1) Blood Thinners: This is not an issue once I'm off of it heparin is out of my system in 12 hours. Once out of my system the risks are gone, unless I've misunderstood something?
2) Gestational Diabetes: yes, I likely have a big baby. How much bigger will he get if I don't get induced Monday versus Friday or Saturday? Not much, while my odds of going into labor on my own do increase as the days pass.

Jack is bewildered. He said I thought you wanted the baby out? Now you want to wait. While I am uncomfortable and nervous I don't want to act on my own discomfort. I want what's best for the baby and I don't want to force an induction on myself that could lead to a C-Section simply because I'm in a hurry. That's stupid. I waited 2.5 years to have a baby, to speed up and consequently fuck up the last few days is just stupid.

I felt flummoxed at the appointment and agreed to induction but I feel so uncomfortable now. I don't know what to do. I was open to an induction Monday if I was dilated and ripe but I'm not. On the other hand, I'm going in just a few days prior to my due date and I will have my own OB doing the delivery and its not a guarantee that I'll have a C-section. She pointed out that there's no guarantee that I will go natural or that things will progress by waiting a few more days.

My gut, my heart is saying no don't do this, just wait. But how much do I wait with GD? I can't go over weeks. She will likely not allow me to even go past my due date. Jack is urging me to go ahead on Monday. I need to make a decision today. I might just let the OB know I'm conflicted and will make a final decision later. I'm just so confused.

***I just called again since I haven't heard back and the answering service picked up and said the office is done for the day. Not sure if that means they're not going to call me back. Well, they got the message and if they don't want to call me back that doesn't mean I have to go in on Monday for the induction. It's on them to return my call. I don't HAVE to go into an induction simply because they're not calling me back. Sigh

39 Weeks- 7 more days

2010-04-30T00:09:00.000-07:00

7 more day though quite frankly I'm convinced he's going to stay in here until he's 32. My amniotic fluids were back to normal. Discharge increased but its not amniotic. My cervix remains barely 2cm dilated. I'm 50% effaced. He's sunny side up so I'm at risk for back labor. In a nutshell: My body is practicing like hell but labor doesn't seem close. At all.

I'm emotional lately most likely because I'm sleep deprived getting two hours of sleep these days due to cramps and contractions. I want to laugh at the lack of progress and joke that little guy is just messing with me. I guess I'm too tired to laugh and it doesn't help that none of these pains did anything to further dilate me. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. I'm full term what more do I want? I'll tell you: him. Until he's here, nothing is certain. He moves less these days. He passes his kick count test daily though it takes longer each evening to get the 10 kicks. This is normal, I know. But. There are enough scary stories on the web and in my own extended family for me to feel its a done deal simply being "term".

I'm in love. Hook line and sinker. This is the most intense love I've ever felt and the thought of losing him makes me want to die. That's why I'm impatient. That's why despite full days, the days crawl. I can deal with the waddling, the headaches, the fatigue, and this troubling toothache that is creeping up. But I need someone to promise me nothing will go wrong. While the odds are in my favor, they are only odds until he's here. I know its just a matter of time- today the nurse taking my vitals said I understand how it feels like forever, these last few days, I felt that way too when I was in your shoes and now my children are 30 and 33. Yep- time flies. It only feels like we live in the moment forever. I know this time next week I will most likely have him in my arms. Until then, I wait.

8 more days

2010-04-29T23:55:00.000-07:00

Despite the eagerness, the apprehension, the fear, there is this a sacred feeling in the air these days. The full moon casting a glow over the house tonight adds to that feeling. I am waiting to meet a pure being. Someone who has yet to hurt anyone or be hurt. Someone who has yet to think an impure thought, or feel arrogant, entitled, in any way. Someone unconcerned with whether they are more beautiful, or smart than the next person. The very definition of purity. And this child will be entrusted in my care. They will release him to me after making sure (God Willing) he is healthy and send us on our merry way. After all the needles, ultrasounds, speculum exams, and fundal measurements they will simply hand him over to me and leave it to me to guide him through this world. When I really think about it, it brings tears to my eyes.

In the meantime I wait. I feel twinges and pulls. Kicks and wiggly butts. It is an uneasy feeling to know that soon I will experience one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know when. I don't know how how. It might be manageable, it might make me kneel over and want to die. One simply can't be sure. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit frightened. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit on edge these next few days.

At 3:15pm we see if my amniotic fluid levels are good. They were borderline normal Monday, if they fall below the approved levels I meet Sunflower tomorrow. Otherwise possibly Monday. Maybe sometime in between.

In the meantime I'm washing the nursery walls. I'm walking. I'm reading books. Replying to texts, e-mails, and phone calls from friends and family waiting with me, wondering with me when this little guy arrives. He has no idea how many people are waiting. He has no idea how much love is waiting for him just as soon as he is placed in my arms.

Lady in Waiting

2010-04-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 3am last night with painful gas pains and my uterus hard as a rock every few minutes. Wasn't able to fall back asleep. It wasn't a labor contraction because after the practice runs, I have a hint of what actual labor contractions might be like and braxton hicks contractions are just cute little bunnies really. This morning I called the OB and they told me a med to take to ease the pains. I was going to head to babysrus and return some gifts, and do some shopping at the mall but I'm a little scared by last night's contractions and don't really want to leave the house because I don't know how well I could drive if those contractions attacked me while I was out. Luckily the pharmacy is less than a mile away.

Tomorrow I have a repeat amniotic fluid scan at the MFM. If it went down significantly again- tomorrow might be the day I meet Sunflower. So, if you don't hear from me tomorrow night- you'll know what happened. [But- I'm not holding my breath] As I sit here, a lady in waiting, I'm trying to find ways to occupy my time.

1. Practicing the moby wrap on a stuffed teddy.
2. FINISHED packing the hospital bag.
3. Power walking in the neighborhood [well its a power walk for me, bearing in mind I waddle mostly these days- most people would call it an old lady shuffle]
4. Making thank you gift bags for the nurses. I've heard from nurse friends that this is most appreciated. I'm thinking of putting in some lollipops and chocolates with a little note that says Thanks for taking care of my mommy, love, Sunflower.
5. Organizing duplicate gifts to return to BRU and Target.
6. Installing the car seat
7. Making a mental list of the stuff I will eat once the baby comes out (Strawberry milkshake from Steak-n-Shake, chocolate chip cookies, soft serve frozen yogurt, a nice frosted cupcake).
8. Bribing sunflower with promises of TV viewing and anything naughty he wants if he will just come out [don't intend to follow through but I'm betting he wont remember!]

Any other ideas on how to help pass the time as productively as possible most appreciated!

Nine more days

2010-04-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little drained. And annoyed. As I stated in my last post I had labor-like contractions for nearly an hour. It hurt like hell. I could not walk nor talk through them and then- they slowly tapered off and now the volcano is silent again. I feel teased. I feel a little frustrated. From the way sunflower is now kicking me, he is feeling teased too. I realize I cannot control my body and I realize this is just a practice run and that as a type-A minded person, my body is apparently a type-A bodied creature that simply must practice 100 times before doing the real thing but I still kind of want to cry. The pain was scary and more powerful than the last time I had painful contractions two nights earlier. This time I felt the pain in my back and pelvic area as well. I know labor hurts. I know that what went in was microscopic but what's going to come out is at least 8 pounds. So yes- pain is to be expected- but wow- that pain is amazing. That pain is otherwordly. I now understand why people of my faith pray for others while in the throes of this pain- I felt like I was on another plane in the midst of the intense pain. But what scares me is that if this isn't labor- will actual labor pains hurt more? That is terrifying.

I want my body to go into labor on its own. I don't want to be induced. So I shouldn't complain. I'm just confused. Is this going to lead to something? Or is my body just messing around? I feel like someone told me you won a million dollars!! and then said oh whoops, not you, the *other* girl in the yellow shirt. Sigh.

Forgive me for my twitter like updates lately but as always this is my place to write about what's going on, and helps me make sense of what is going on. Thank you for listening.

Ow***

2010-04-27T18:58:00.001-07:00

No contractions today- not a one. Went for a walk with Jack just now. As we came home my tummy started hurting like a painful (TMI alert! Read no further if you're squeamish!) bowel movement was coming. Like when you're constipated. Except, I'm not constipated. Anyways, then proceeded to have the most painful bowel movement of my entire life. Since then the pain remains. It's not powerful like a labor contraction [which I'm told 'if you're having it you won't have any doubt what it is'] but, it HURTS. The uterus is not necessarily hard at all times during the pain (though sometimes it is) but this pain? This pain is like a really really horrible menstrual cramp. It makes me want to put a heating pad on and curl up in a corner with ten Midol tablets. I'm going to distract myself by writing some thank you cards. . . but damn. Ow. I hope this pain is because something is getting started.

Question for anyone who knows: Can you have a labor pain related contraction that hurts like HELL but your uterus is still soft? I'm having this pain and its coming and going in intervals but the uterus is not necessarily always hard.

OW.

Please let this pain have a good end result of labor beginning. PleasePleasePlease.

**For one hour the pain came and went, some points was so painful I couldn't walk or talk properly, but now, its gone. I still feel like I'm on my period, but not in a painful way like earlier. This is exhausting and I must say despite sounding like a wimp, that the pain I felt was SCARY.

Letting go of control

2010-04-27T01:23:00.000-07:00

I've jokingly likened the wait for Sunflower to watching a kettle and waiting for it to boil. But I realized today I'm not waiting for it to boil, I'm willing it to boil as if by the sheer force of staring at the metaphorical kettle I will produce within it the bubbles I desire. I'm reading Momma Zen, a book given by a lovely friend, which, if you are pregnant or a new mama, you must read. She talks a lot about living in the moment, letting go of the illusion of control and being in the moment that is before us and she says it in a way that makes you stop in your tracks and listen.

Logically, I accept I can't control everything. I couldn't get nor keep pregnancies at will. I can't will a publisher to put an offer on the book my agent is shopping. We fight the carpenter bees in our awning daily but we can't control their hardiness. I know this and yet I still try to control things I can't. It's why I find myself up at 2am filled with anxiety as I wonder when will this happen? Why not now? And yet, these thoughts won't affect labor. I can do my best, walking and otherwise, but ultimately I don't hold the key to the outcome.

I'm trying to let go of the attempts to control and instead enjoy the time I have left. I can't wait to hold him in my arms but I will miss these karate kicks in my womb. I can't wait to hear him cry hearty sobs from healthy lungs but I'm sure a part of me will miss this silence in the middle of the night.

I guess I've been trying so hard to figure out what the next step is I forgot I can't. And the book helped me realize, that when it comes to control and my plans, they will all flip upside down once the baby comes. I plan to breastfeed but maybe I'll be unable to. I shudder at the thought of a C-section but that may be the only option. I have my Wii Fit ready to go to drop the baby weight but maybe it will go slower than I think. We imagine a happy cooing baby but we might have a colicky little bundle. If I thought I had little control now, that control is likely slipping away further once he arrives.

I'm telling myself: If I go all remaining ten days still pregnant- that's okay. I will re-read my favorite books. Call a friend and indulge in a one hour chat. Sleep in and watch the morning filter in through the windows letting the silence feel sacred. Go out with Jack Saturday night, hold his hand on an evening stroll and appreciate this brief interlude before we are coated in spit up and leaky diapers. I'm reminding myself I can't control the outcome but I can control what I do with the time I have.

Amniotic fluids and induction

2010-04-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

Dr. MFM told me my amniotic fluid decreased to the borderline level, dropping half in volume since last week. Oh, I said, well I have been leaking some watery discharge. Jack and MFM stared at me like I had morphed into a Cockatoo. And you didn't mention this because. . .? Jack asked. I felt myself grow red well I figured it was normal, plus its not a continuous trickle like Dr. Google said. She took a sample of the fluid [though I wasn't feeling the discharge then] and said I'm going to test to see if its amniotic fluid if it is we'll send you across the street to the hospital and you can deliver today! We just stared at her with our jaws dropped as she left the room. I don't have my bags packed! I shrieked. And today? We meet him today? I know I want to meet him, and yes I'd love to meet him today but wow it hit me like an anvil as Mekate pointed out, whether its this week or next his arrival is imminent!

She didn't find any evidence of a rupture though she said it didn't mean I wasn't leaking earlier. They're having me come in again Thursday to continue monitoring the levels. Friday I'm meeting my OB and the nurse hinted that my OB is on call next Monday and Tuesday so if I'm going to be induced it would likely be then.

If the fluid continues falling its a different matter, but otherwise I'm conflicted about inducing. On one hand my cervix is ripening and I'm dilating and effacing so the risks of C-Section due to induction are lower. Plus I know I'm carrying a large-ish baby so the longer I go the bigger the baby will be. BUT- as I was typing this I had a contraction from hell. I couldnt walk. I couldn't talk through it. My uterus hardened for three minutes while I breathed my way through it. If my body is revving up like an engine trying to get to a comfortable laboring hum, then why not let it? And even though labor feels like its coming tonight, I'm a first timer so odds are I'm not going until at at least my due date. Should I wait it out if I can?

In the meantime I'm going to finish packing my hospital bag, write out a checklist of things to take, and tidy up the bedroom. Sweets are my safe comfort food and I wish so much I could have a nice large milkshake right now. Dang you GD! In the meantime I ate a slice of pineapple. Nothing proves it sends you to labor but right now old wives tales on the internet sound like scientific based medical journals. I wish I could have that nice fun water broke moment soon erasing all doubt of what exactly is happening!

Is it possible to be simultaneously excited and frightened out of one's mind?

NOW I'm scared of labor

2010-04-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

I was having a perfectly pleasant dream about bottles. Avent versus Dr. Brown. Me and a friend were discussing the benefits of each quite passionately. Then my stomach started hurting and when I awoke the pain remained and my stomach was hard as a rock and I had to take deep breaths to stave off the pain. It went on for 3 minutes. Then it went away. After that I got more painless braxton hicks tightening [I officially love braxton hicks, they are so gentle, why couldn't we labor with braxton hicks gentle tight and release?] on and off. And then- SLAM. The next contraction was again strong enough I couldn't talk through it and the pain? Damn. Ladies, how do you do it? I found myself moaning and just pacing, walking, lying down, trying to do anything to make this pain go away. This one hurt enough to send a call to the doctor. The meanest Step-OB was on call and when I described my symptoms she said its not real labor (Being the bearer of bad news I suppose does not make her mean though) and such false labors are normal at this stage. I was hoping that since I was contracting every five minutes, just that some were those cute bunny rabbit braxton hicks, that maybe it all added up to labor, but no. She said they all have to be that painful and every five minutes.

So- veteran mothers, don't laugh- but- I had this image of me going into natural labor. I imagined myself packing my bags (because they're not fully packed), taking a shower, grabbing a bite to eat, saying a quick prayer, and then heading to the hospital. Frolicking really. This isn't going to happen, is it?

Now the volcano has calmed down, my uterus is soft, baby is kicking like crazy as if asking what the fuck was that? And I'm left wondering: Is my body sadistic? Or does it mean the real thing is imminent? I guess time will tell. In the meantime- is incessant blogging a symptom of labor?

Texting while laboring

2010-04-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks when we bid adieu to friends they say please send a mass text out when you have the baby so we can come by the hospital to visit you. While incredibly sweet this is surprising. It never occurred to us that friends visited at the hospital. We figured you visited once the family was home. Our plan was to e-mail everyone with an announcement and pictures once Sunflower came and invite people to come visit. I'm planning to order these Hershey bar announcements to give people when they came but obviously can't give them out at the hospital. I can tell my friends are sincere and really would want to come to the hospital so that leaves me confused since we didn't think anyone would ask. When asked we just say yeah for sure if we can remember to do that in the moment. I make a joke about my pregnancy brain and move on, but I guess I'm trying to figure out if you would want (or did you have) friends visiting while at the hospital? If you asked someone to let you know when you went into labor, and then they didn't tell you until later once you were home and the baby was born- would you be hurt?

Noelle

2010-04-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

At 20 weeks Noelle's baby got a devastating prognosis. My heart is breaking for her, if you can, please send her your support.

Showers and Inductions

2010-04-25T17:26:00.000-07:00

The baby shower of which I've written incessantly and you, like true friends, have tolerated patiently is now over. To those of you who urged me to have one, who told me I'd regret it if I didn't: you were right. My friends did an amazing job. The decorations, the personalized goody bags, the delicious food, the generosity of my friends with the gifts blew my mind. How many showers have I left early, driving home as hot salty tears ran down my face? How many excuses did I make to avoid going after my losses? I'm glad I got to experience what its like to be a normal pregnant person. I'm glad I got to sit with people touching my belly and telling me labor horror stories and ooh and aw over onesies. I feel overwhelmed. As soon as I get pics I will put some up!

Another reason I feel overwhelmed is I allowed myself sweets despite the GD and I seriously am shaking and fidgety like I inhaled a bag of crack. Sunflower too, is mighty stoked. I checked my numbers and I was high but not above my numbers. Phew.

As soon as it was over I came home and stared at my belly, willing myself to be the urban legend "she had the shower and went into labor that night!" I know, I sound demented but hope is a crazy thing. The biggest gift of all is wrapped up inside my womb right now. Anyways, I've learned that while the mind is a powerful thing, its not enough to put you in labor at will. I'm walking, eating spicy food, and tomorrow we're going to eat lunch at a famous place in town where the Eggplant dish purportedly puts women into labor. The only one we're not trying is the only one proven to work, the sex. I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball so the thought of getting jiggy with it just doesn't appeal at the moment.

In any case, I'm happy. So incredibly happy. When I feel this happy I sometimes get scared that it will be snatched from me because happiness is a temporary gift sometimes. I'm going to try to let that fear go and just relish the moment right now of feeling like a normal pregnant person.

Random Thoughts

2010-04-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

To the 14 year old girls hanging at the mall who loudly whispered as I walked by OMG is she carrying like sextuplets? Followed by maniacal giggles: You shouldn't make fun of people who you'll likely resemble one day such as the pregnant, and the elderly. I will not wish anything seriously bad upon you, but like Sophia in the Golden Girls I put upon you a curse: when the time comes may you grow large as a house,waddle like a penguin with cankles with stretchmarks coating your currently taut bellies!

Looks like Sunflower is holding strong until at least the shower despite a contraction that felt like an earthquake in the middle of Bath and Body Works. I swear sometimes I get this sensation like he's just going to fall out. There are about 19 people including me attending. I'm ignoring the pics on facebook of other showers with 45+ people. Its quality not quantity and I'm grateful to the people choosing to attend. Thanks to those of you who said its okay to feel nervous. Once I'm there, I'm sure the nerves will die down. I love hosting things for other people, but I have a really hard time being hosted.

Waiting For Sunflower- seriously, waiting.***

2010-04-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

I think the first year of my IF blogging all I blogged about were my symptoms during the two week wait. Measuring my nausea, and levels of fatigue and squeezing and then reporting on the tenderness of my boobs. [oh yes, this blog was once quite riveting] I am beyond grateful to be on the other end of the TWW but I apologize if I show this gratitude by indulging myself in Symptom Watch 2010, particularly when most of these 'symptoms' are likely not symptoms at all. Still to humor myself here's an accounting:

Nausea. I've been slammed with nausea. Nothing tastes right. Even chips or sipping soda doesn't help like it normally does.
I constantly feel full. I ate breakfast but had to force myself to eat lunch at 4pm not due to hunger but because I needed to eat. I just am not getting hunger pangs.
Weird feelings in the land down under like someone with knitting needles gently tapping.
Walrus-Like. Its not just girth (though I am by all accounts enormous), its how I feel. I want to sit on a rock (or sofa) and just wallow in the sun (or under the fan). Mind you, I had the energy today to vacuum, fold laundry, clean our bedroom and the toilet, all things that need to be done, but I didnt want to. Sure no one ever wants to do household chores but I do them routinely without whining. These days I just can't. Today, I bought the hostess gifts, came home and read, napped, and watched Judge Judy. I did nothing more.
Funky emotions. One minute I want to cry [though not sad]. The next, I feel at peace and feel like I'm on top of the world [though I'm still just walrusing on the couch].
**Edited, add to the list now menstrual cramping, watery discharge, and a hard contraction/cramp that woke me from sleep. Come on, you just know this baby is going to decide to come right before the baby shower! [I realize this is likely of no interest to anyone outside of me, I guess I'm record keeping]

The contractions aren't very strong. Once in a blue moon these past few days I'll get a doozy of a hicks but otherwise its calm but I wonder are all these symptoms the eye before the storm? Can anyone relate?

I know in under two weeks I'll be meeting little guy so theres no need to read into any of this. My family reminds me of this constantly (after they calm down from asking, ARE YOU IN LABOR OMG OMG!) but, you know how it is. So thanks for listening to this silly contemplation as I sit here waiting and wondering, waiting and wondering, when when when.

38 Weeks

2010-04-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

38 weeks. K twiddles thumbs. Looks left. Looks right. Back to twiddling thumbs. Yep we've arrived, can someone please tell Sunflower?

I'm meeting with my OB one week from today to discuss next steps and a possible induction the first week of May but- its my sincere hope I'll go on my own before then.
Anytime I call almost anyone these days before I can even say hi they say you're having the baby aren't you!!?! I guess I'm not the only one on alert.
My brother graduates on my due date. My mom has mentioned at least five times A will remember forever I wasn't there so if you can plan the induction on Saturday, after his graduation. . . I get that college graduation is a big deal (though I didn't attend mine) and that A is a very sensitive baby of the family, but I do not want to be made to feel guilty that she can't attend his graduation. If I went into labor May 3 or so she plans to drive 8 hours here and then drive 8 hours back to make it to his graduation and then turn around and come back here. That makes NO SENSE. I told her she should attend his graduation because if she seriously thinks he'll hold a grudge forever then his event should take priority over being here in time for Sunflower's arrival. I'm just tired of being made to feel guilty, I didn't plan to have a due date overlap his graduation date. Jack and I are debating not calling anyone to tell them I'm in labor until Sunflower arrives making it simple for everyone, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do either.
I haven't taken any birthing classes (out of laziness, though I watched a ton of 16 and pregnant and the baby story on TLC- does that count?) but I'm so calm about this upcoming reality. Maybe its because I know there is no way to get around it or maybe its because I have no idea whats in store for me.
My hospital bag is almost packed. I don't have enough maternity clothes to pack them away yet but his clothes, my nursing bras, creams, sugar free candy, socks, etc are all squared away.
I finally picked a pediatrician who seems great and came highly recommended. They have several locations and are open seven days a week!
I found a nice dress for my shower, and tomorrow I'm hitting up the mall to find a lotion set for the hostesses. I was going to get them a bracelet with Sunflower's birthstone but a) I'm not sure if he'll come in April or May, and b) April's birthstone? Diamonds. So, yeah- Origins lotions it is.
I feel like Enfamil and Similac are stalking me. Seriously. I got huge boxes of Enfamil in the mail and my OB office offers me a bag of Similac each time I go and today the pediatrician offered me more too! Maybe I shouldn't have refused some of the free stuff but a) I don't want to formula feed if I can help it and b) the aggressive approach these formula makers use makes my D.A.R.E training from elementary school kick in since I feel like they're pushing me with free samples to hook me. (I hope ya'll remember DARE?)
In Milk Watch News, Kroger's Milk now expires May 5. Two days away people! I am currently wondering if I'm neurotic enough to go out and buy the milk once it bears my due date. Me thinks I just may be that crazy.
Speaking of Milk Watch. . . I got a Medala from one of Jack's co-workers for about $75 (obviously will be getting separate accessories for it!) but have been nervous that I'm not really showing signs of impending milk production. A friend suggesting I squeeze and um, yep, there's something in there. This is good news but also amazing to consider that these boobs will soon be working girls not just there to sit and look pretty.
And- HOLY CRAP this is my 100th post for 2010?! How have I managed to have THAT much to say? Wow.

38 weeks- here's hoping this is my last weekly update for this pregnancy! [Sunday night, baby. Sunday night!]

The final two week wait

2010-04-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling this weird lower pelvic pressure from time to time. It may be in my head, but its like I have a balloon filled with water low in my pelvis and its just about to pop. I'm hoping it means something is happening but its equally liking baby boy is just head bumping me. I'm 2cm dilated so I guess I'm technically in the early phase of labor though this doesn't mean active labor is around the corner. I feel like a volcano, quietly brewing, but yet to erupt. I'm waiting for the fireworks to begin.

TTC involves so much waiting. The wait to ovulate (or not). The two week wait. The wait to the second trimester. To the 20 week ultrasound. I'm in the final wait. Two weeks until my due date. It's certainly the best wait I can possibly ask for but waiting still involves a lot of staring at countdown tickers and judging one's body for signs of something.

It was so weird yesterday when the OB told me she could feel his head. He feels so far away, but he's in me. He's as close to me as anyone will ever be. Once he's out, that's when the physical connection that ties us ends and the true distancing process little by little begins. I'm trying to remember that to stave off the impatience and I can enjoy this brief interlude before he arrives.

Two Centimeters

2010-04-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

I went to the OB today for my weekly check-up. Last week I was 1 cm dilated, this week I am 2 cm dilated. She said she could feel his head and that he was quite low. What does this mean? I felt hopeful. Nothing, the OB said, you're progressing but we can't predict labor, could be tonight could be in three weeks. Gah. Why check then? Its good I'm progressing so if an induction is in the cards for me at least we're not starting at 0, but I'd really like to go naturally. I know this sounds morbid but with my miscarriages my body went through the process crazy fast. My body is capable of going into labor naturally so if I can stave off being chemically induced that would be ideal. I have a lot of issues with my body and how its let me down in the past few years, but when it comes to evicting, it can certainly do that. I'm asking little guy to come out soon. Ideally Sunday evening- after the baby shower. And on that note, I know I said I wanted one but I'm getting all nervous and fluttery thinking about it. All eyes on me? Not everyone knows each other? Hopefully it goes well. And on an entirely unrelated note, I now waddle. I wish it amused me as much as it amuses those who love me that I am now officially a penguin:

Slice of life in the world of a fertile friend

2010-04-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

Friend: You're almost there aren't you?
Me: Yes! I'm 37 weeks and 4 days. 17 days until due date, about 10 days until they might give me an induction date. How many weeks pregnant are you?
Friend: Hm, good question. *pause* I think I'm 24 weeks.
Me: Whoo Hoo! You must be so relieved!
Friend: Why?
Me: You know, 24 weeks!
Friend: *crickets*
Me: Well it means you reached viability!
Friend: Via-what?
Me: At 24 week a baby is considered viable so he has a chance of survival outside the womb.
Friend: So if he came out now he'd be fine? How cool!
Me: Well, no, I mean, you don't want him to come out. . .

I bear no ill will towards my friends for not knowing these things. I'm just amazed she doesn't know. In my little fear filled bubble all these months I know statistics and count down days an weeks like its second nature to me. As automatic as breathing almost. I guess I forgot not all pregnant people are similarly preoccupied! Must. be. nice.

Pregnancy Girth

2010-04-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

Today after a blessedly uneventful MFM visit, the doc said, see you next week unless you have the baby! One can hope but I don't think he's coming out anytime soon. Though I was having frequent contractions that got me giddy with hope, they've gone down in frequency considerably. I feel like the annoying kid in the back of the car Is it time? Now? Are we there yet? What about now? Um, okay, maybe now?

The thing is, I feel like a whale. Yes in the size department, but more so in the, unable-to-move-well-on-land department. My confidence was much helped today by a lovely sales clerk at the grocery store. Wow, she said with wide eyes, you are huge! I smiled politely. I mean it! Are you overdue? That is one gigantic baby you got in there! Golleee! I just stared at her. Granted, she's taking liberties discussing my largeness because I'm pregnant (I hope!) but you know what? Its hurtful to be called ginormous [even if you are].

Speaking of being huge, that is one thing that makes me sad about this pregnancy ending. I've kind of enjoyed not feeling concerned about my weight. Like most people raised in Western society (or its influence) I have striven for thin my whole life. I have judged myself by the size of my jeans and eaten a slice of cake only to feel horrible afterward vowing to remain on Atkins until I'm 70. Today Jack said to me Pregnancy has made you so much less self-conscious. You seem so much more confident. He's right. It's been nice to not hate my body but instead, pat my roundness and feel proud of my expanding curves. But once Sunflower arrives, this changes. We're going to have a ceremony honoring his arrival in July and then in December my cousin is getting married. The pressure to lose weight for these events and get the 'wow you just had a baby? Can't tell!' will be high and I'm already not looking forward to that. Oh well.

Also, thanks for your insight into the last post about the future of this blog. A post on that is forthcoming- that is, unless this baby makes his way out before then! pleasepleaseplease!

Ending my blog

2010-04-17T13:00:00.001-07:00

Three years and three blogs earlier I started an anonymous IF blog because I needed a place to talk about my struggles, a place I could cry about a negative, wonder what was wrong with me, and say the things family and friends were growing tired of hearing. In my mind I planned to stop the blog once I got pregnant. Because you know, those two pink lines is the end of the TTC journey right? Ha. When I had my miscarriages, blogging kept me from going crazy. Ever since I began blogging about IF and loss, my plan was to stop blogging once I actually met my baby. I mean, I'm Waiting For Sunflower, once he's here, I'm not waiting anymore, right? [Mind you, I didn't plan to stop keeping up with any of your blogs! I just planned to stop blogging myself.]

Even though it feels ten years away, my son is coming soon (God Willing) and so I'm thinking about the future of this blog. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I start a new parenting after IF blog? Do I lift the anonymity and blog under my real name at a new site? My question to you: Do you plan to stop blogging upon parenting? If you are an IF parent blogger what makes you stay? Did you consider stopping once you had a baby? Just curious for your insights on this. [And I'd leave this blog up ofcourse as a success story. . . I know how much that meant to me when I first started on this road]

Kick Count*****

2010-04-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

After I hit publish on my previous post, I went to bed. Jack wanted to listen to Sunflower with our doppler. We couldn't find it. After ten minutes, the longest ten where the world went completely pitch silent, we found it, faint at 120 beats a minute. Jack felt satisfied. I didn't. I poked him. Nothing. I jiggled my belly. Nothing. I drank half a glass of OJ. Nothing. I went downstairs and lay on the sofa. Two hours ten kicks is the standard. In two hours he made about 7-8 subtle movements, mostly in response to my pokes. I decided he was alive and somewhat moving so I'd call if he didn't get a little more active in the morning. This morning again, nothing in response to my pokes. he did get the hiccups but Dr. Google says that doesnt count as part of the kick test. The OB advised me to eat breakfast with some OJ and lie on my side and do a kick test for an hour. If that does nothing they'll have me come in for monitoring.

I'm on a parent listserv. Just had the nerves to sign up for it last week. Sometimes people sell things that have never been used like a bumbo or jumparoo. This makes sense, maybe they thought they'd use it but never did. Today I saw someone selling a bouncer, a car seat, a swing, a baby tub, never used. My blood went cold. Why are they selling never used baby things? I think of my living room filled with amazon boxes, the baby registry I'm working on, and. . . yeah, I begin feeling scared shitless.

I get that I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch. Totally get it. But. For fuck's sake, can't I ever just preen naively, liken myself to a cute walrus and say everything looks good without the universe gut punching me a reminder that nothing is certain?

**He managed the ten movements in an hour after drinking OJ. The nurse was pleased but since then I've felt uneasy. I can feel his little foot which I normally tap and he kicks me back. Now, nada. I've grown used to his routine and its changed. I called and asked if they can monitor me just so I'm not nuts this weekend and she said ok so I'm going in at 2EST. I wish I could say I'm trusting my gut, but I'm not sure I have a gut anymore. Fear has warped it beyond recognition. I'm indulging my paranoia is more like it. But you know what? Better peace of mind and better safe than sorry

*** Thanks for your reassurances, as you predicted, all was well. Ofcourse, as is always the case, one I was strapped on the monitors Sunflower decided to show his dancing skills to the theme of Kung Fu Fighting. I stared helplessly at the OB I swear he wasn't doing that before! The OB said around this stage movements change due to size. Phew. She told me to start kick counts daily and I'm so glad no one made me feel stupid for my fears. Three.More.Weeks.

37 Weeks

2010-04-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

I am 37 weeks pregnant. I am full term. No more countdowns. It could happen anytime. Perhaps today. Perhaps next week. I have tears in my eyes typing this because I never thought this day would come. I still remember at 9 weeks pregnant wiping and finding blood. Rushing to the OB knowing it was over. Watching her expression as she shielded me from the u/s machine and then the smile as she showed me the heartbeat. And now while I know nothing is certain until it is certain and we're not there yet, I'm amazed to have come this far.

In other news. . .

My preeclampsia results were normal!
On an important note: In my faith, women often pray for their friends and family while in labor because it is said the prayers of a laboring woman are given special consideration. I dont know if this is true but I'm hoping it is and please know if I read your blog or know you read mine you're on my prayer list. If there's anyone who wants me to add them to the list or if there is a specific prayer please leave a comment.
Thanks for your advice on baby showers! It was last minute and we're only giving people two weeks notice (It is next Sunday April 25) so I was hoping for maybe 8 people to show up but so far 20 people RSVPd which is pretty much everyone I invited. I'm touched and honored and am going to try my best to be at ease being the center of attention. I'm not used to that. I also feel weird not contributing to the event. I'm not used to people doing things for me and I think the hostesses want to kill me because I keep asking them to let me help.
Speaking of baby showers, any ideas for a good hostess gift? I was thinking maybe a bath set from Origins (you know. . . shower?) but not sure. Ofcourse . . .
I wonder if I'll go into labor before the party. Contractions continue to come and go. Some are painful and wrap around my body, some are period cramps, some are so mild I hardly notice and then there's the nightly someone is stabbing my cervix with a knitting needle pain. Im fine with little guy coming whenever he wants but I'd feel bad if he came right before the shower since they're working hard with very little time to put it together.
With my two miscarriages, my body, like a bouncer, pushed them out astonishingly fast. This is why I'm so grateful to reach full term. I just wonder if now my uterus is so busy cuddling little guy we'll have to file eviction papers to get him out.
As anxious as I am to meet him my dear friend and new mama reminded me I should enjoy these last few weeks too. I went to Karaoke on Monday with some girlfriends, we're going to a festival on Saturday with friends and doing a movie on the green. I'm trying to enjoy the time left instead of staring at the clock as it ticks down.
And that nesting instinct I talked about previously? The one that led to me repainting the walls and smoothing our ceilings and cleaning behind the couch? It's gone. I am enjoying nothing more lately than sitting on the couch wallowing.
And finally, since I'm full term, I thought I'd give you a pic of what I now resemble:

Oh yes, sexy is my middle name. Happy Full Term to me. Good job little guy. Thank you womb. Note to Sunflower: you're a 7 pounder. Come out come out whenever you want!

My first pediatrician interview

2010-04-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

I knew I needed to pick a pediatrician for little dude so I looked up the ones my insurance takes and set out to interview them. I hate doing it this way. I went through so many bad OBGYNs in my search for answers to my infertility and the one who ultimately helped me was through recommendations. Recommendations are the way to go but unfortunately my friends with babies don't live close to me, plus I am on Tr.ic.are which limits my doc choices exponentially.

So I saw Dr. Ass [not his real name, is my foreshadowing of how this appointment went working?]. I knew things were bad when I first walked in and sat down and heard him shouting down the hallway Hey Gail, ever heard of jiggly eyes being normal? The nurse yelled back no and Dr. A proceeded to tell the nurse (and everyone in the waiting room) the details of this patient's issues. Um, doctor-patient confidentiality anyone? I was tempted to get up and walk out right then and there but I tried reasoning that it was late and maybe he didn't realize anyone else was in the office. Once he closed the room to continue with the patient, I could hear every word through the door. Again- awkward but I thought, how can he know we can hear things through a closed door? It was weird to see the family file past me after the appointment knowing all about their five month old baby. As he led me to his office he said Sorry to keep you waiting but that kid had a looot of ear wax.

We sat down to talk and that's when things got even funner. The first thing he said was Is this your first kid? I nodded. He leaned back and laughed welcome to the real world! it was all just play until now. Nothing pisses me off more than this statement. Still I bit my tongue. He then proceeded to guess my race, my religion, and make stereotypes galore. He said my mother's generation was useless as far as taking care of babies. He said that if I could get a wet nurse until my milk came in that was the way to go. And he assumed I knew nothing. Do you know what a wet nurse is? I nodded. He smirked, oh yeah? Tell me? I told him. Oh wow, you know so much! Did you go to Harvard or Yale? By now I'd stopped smiling and just stared at him with raised eyebrows. We ended our conversation and I left.

How are there people with functioning practices who behave this way? I am bewildered beyond belief. Needless to say, back to the drawing board.

Losing Speck

2010-04-13T14:38:00.001-07:00

Today is the anniversary of when I lost Speck. I dreaded this day for months. I wondered what I would say, but today, I feel fine. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Why should this day hurt less or more than any other? It's like the silliness of Valentines Day. It's fine to set aside a day but the truth is, I don't miss or feel sad any more today than I do any other day of the week just as my love for Jack doesn't alter because its an anniversary or V-day. Regardless of what people may think of a 10.5 week fetus, the fact is he was a part of me. When I lost him, I lost a part of me. I don't need a date to remember this. When you lose a piece of yourself, you always remember.

MFM Update

2010-04-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

I have mixed feelings about today's MFM visit:

Sunflower weighed in at 7lb3oz. After I proceeded to have a heart attack the tech remeasured and revised her estimate to 6lb14oz. 70th percentile. No one except me and Jack seem concerned that this puts him on track to be about 9 pounds at birth.
My blood pressure was pretty high which is unusual for me since I'm usually on the lower end, on retest I was borderline normal but my ankles are swelling and there was a tiny bit of protein in my urine so they took my blood to make sure I'm not getting preeclampsia.
While sitting in the waiting room I began having menstrual like cramps to the point that it was hard to breathe through it, but. . .
A cervix check shows that the baby has not dropped and while slightly soft, my cervix is only dilated a fingertip so. .
Labor aint coming no time soon, I'm just having good old fashioned braxton hicks.

I'm glad the cervix is slowly softening and its slightly opened (albeit just a fingertip) so at least the contractions I'm having aren't in vain. Everyone tells me that when its labor I'll know, so I guess I'll resist the urge to read into anything. It's so weird though. This time next month I will have Sunflower in my arms. I've been through so many months of waiting. Yet, this final wait, of a mere three weeks, it feels like I will have a fluff of white hair and a cane by the time I get there. Time.is.crawling.

Contractorama

2010-04-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

The contractions- they just keep on coming. So much so I've stopped counting. Pretty much anytime I stand up, I contract. Sitting, I get them too. The contractions today are a little different. There is more pressure. A few times I felt a sharp pain like a needle go down my cervix on downwards and there's been a few contractions lately that are making me catch my breath. But not all of them, and not consistently, and I can still talk through them, so its likely not labor. This is an important doctor week. Tomorrow MFM will tell me how much little dude weighs which will help us figure out what the plan will be and Tuesday when my OB does the swab test they do at 36 weeks she can also just see how my cervix is holding up. Its so weird- last year this time I had contractions like this though a tad more painful and I knew what was happening and that it was happening soon. But now- with these contractions there is no telling. My body might be contracting to do practice runs (makes sense, I'm so type A!) or it might be pre-labor, or who knows. ARGH.

A year ago. Today.

2010-04-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

Its been a year since the sounds of birds chirping in the morning make me cringe. A year ago today a bird rested on a tree next to our opened bedroom window. A year ago today Jack wouldn't rouse from sleep to shut it. A year ago today I got up to close that window and the sounds outside ceased. A year ago today I discovered bright red blood.

Today I woke to birds chirping by my window but this time the window was closed. Today Jack doesn't sleep quite so soundly. Today I lay in bed watching the morning light filter in I felt my stomach harden and knew I didn't need to panic. Today my womb is filled with life.

I can recall every vivid moment of that 24 hour nightmare as if it happened yesterday. I remember I thought I would die from the grief. While a part of me feels like time flew, I see myself in the mirror- pregnant for the third time- and I see a testament to the length of a year.

There is a sense of sadness today for the dreams I had and the innocence I lost but there is equal parts gratitude. Yes there are scars, yes there are holes, but today I am also filled to the brim in my womb, my heart, and my soul.

Contractions, continued

2010-04-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

As I said in my last post, I'm contracting more than usual for me. I stayed off my feet. I drank 13 glasses of water. And they keep coming. As of 9:00pm I've contracted: 9:09; 9:11; 9:20; 9:34; 9:55; 10:11; 10:17. I feel a weird pressure, like something pressing down in my pelvic region. But if the standard of my OB is true: a true contraction is not being able to talk through it, then I'm not there. What the heck is this? Does this mean labor is coming soon? They're not five minutes apart for thirty minutes so I won't call in but its weirding me out. This weekend last year I began my miscarriage at my in-laws home. This year my first real eyebrow raising contractions on the very same weekend? I'm still a few days shy of full-term so its not time for this yet. I just wonder what is going on. Anyone else go through this? And 10:29 as I sign off- yet another one!

Oh Contractions

2010-04-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

Before pregnancy, I thought labor would be simple to figure out. My water would break, contractions would begin and with a dainty hand I'd lift my packed hospital bag and Jack and I would, with flushed faces, head to labor and delivery.

Then I began reading blogs and I learned that going into labor is not as simple as the movies.

I'm having contractions today. They're uncomfortable. I get pressure. Sometimes they last for ten seconds, sometimes one full minute. I read that I should call the OB if the contractions are more than 4 per hour. After the fifth one today I called. The on-call OB said if I was able to talk through the contraction its not labor and to call only if contractions were every five minutes for thirty minutes. She said I could go into labor today or go past my due date, the contractions were no indicator of that. Thanks to Kate's experiences, I already knew that.

I just feel uncomfortable today. When he moves it hurts. I feel pressure in my abdomen. I could liken it to when one is constipated, except, I'm not. The uterus is contracting but not every five minutes and not painful to the point of not being able to talk through it. The OB said this is normal.

I guess its time to get a notepad out and time them and see what's going on. The craziest part about this was the doctor was totally unconcerned. She simply said you're 36 weeks pregnant so we're not worried anymore, if you have him today or next week, it will be okay. Wow- hot diggidy damn. We have arrived.

Baby Showers- advice needed.

2010-04-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

I just went out to lunch with two friends who had offered months ago to throw me my baby shower. As you recall, I said no. Well, from a few posts down I mentioned that I was beginning to regret this decision. At the lunch, one of my friends ('sue'), the one who had insisted but then had marital problems and left town, brought it up again. I felt weird since the other friend ('jane') was quiet while sue really urged me to do it even if it was post baby. So I said hesitatingly okay maybe but when would it be? She suggested May 1 or 2. That's Week 39. My due date is May 7. My question to you guys is, is that too close to the due date to have a shower? As for inductions it likely wouldn't happen until that week, but aren't there high odds I could go into labor on my own before then?

I said okay and she asked me to get a list to her by tomorrow and she'll start planning it. Sue told me she was planning the shower even out of town with her marital issues and had e-mailed Jane but Jane had told her I didn't want one. Which is true. I didn't. So now I feel like since Sue is going to be relying on Jane to throw the shower too, am I inconveniencing Jane since there are only three weeks to go for the shower? Should I even be doing it at this point?

Any advice much appreciated.

36 Weeks

2010-04-09T00:04:00.000-07:00

36 weeks. 28 days to go. 4 weeks until my due date. 1 week to full term.

It's hard to grasp how close this all is. This entire pregnancy, time has felt amorphous, as Eve so eloquently put it it: 10 days sounds more like 10 years to me. The impending delivery of the twins is abstract from time, like the way my son understands time. He knows what a day is, what tomorrow is, and yesterday, but beyond that…a week may as well be eight weeks, a month may as well be a year.

I'm getting rounder both in stomach and face and I now officially waddle. I'm psyched about this 37th week as I get to find out if Sunflower weighs 20 pounds and my OB visits become weekly. Why? Because his arrival is just around the corner! And as nervous as I may sometimes feel about my parenting abilities, the physical discomfort helps me grow increasingly eager for him to come on out and meet me!

This week was kind of rough. Thanks, as always, for holding my hand. This weekend, my in-laws are visiting. They're on the smile offensive right now since we stopped contact after their behavior in November. MIL asked Jack the other day please let us know when the baby is born. They're getting nervous. She told Jack I'm not to cook as she plans to come and cook enough for the following days and weeks. She's a splendid cook so I'm not complaining about her offer but am suspicious since in 8 years, through law school and miscarriages she's never offered this before. I know she's trying to be nice so she can have an edge back into our lives. I'm hopeful, but wary since last time we spoke she said when you have contractions let us know and we'll drive to the hospital. This after Jack already told them we'll call them when we want them to visit. Luckily Jack and I are on the same wave length MIL WILL NOT be in the delivery room. Not. Happening. I'm hopeful that since they'll be trying to make nice, this weekend will go well. MIL can be very nice if she's in the mood and regardless of motive, I'll take it. FIL is always difficult to take- but he can't help it, I take it less personally.

This was the weekend I went to my in-laws last year. This Sunday last year I lay in their guest room and felt blood. Monday last year I miscarried. I can't believe its been a year but I'm focusing on what I have, not what I don't have. Tuesday, April 13, the anniversary of the miscarriage I have OB visits, pediatrician visits, and lunch with a friend. My hope is packing the day will minimize the urge to wallow and feel sad. I will certainly not fight the sadness if it hits me because Rain, after all, is only rain; it is not bad weather. So also, pain is only pain, unless we resist it, then it becomes torment. -I Ching.

I hope you all are doing well. Here's to week 37. I hope this week flies by as quickly as it can. Of course having said that. . . sigh!

Baby Showers revisited

2010-04-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

It appears I wrote about my baby shower issues on my old blog. To recap, with my first pregnancy I was so excited about the whole process that when my friend insisted on throwing me a shower upon hearing about the two lines on the pregnancy test I had even made out a whole list and browsed two registries! My SIL upon hearing about it snidely pointed out that baby showers are a bad idea because you never know what can go wrong and such a gathering is counting chickens before hatching. I rolled my eyes at her and then miscarried the next day.

Two miscarriages under my belt later, when I began telling people the news, two friends offered to throw me one. I said no its okay, I don't need one. Why? I had several reasons (1) My SIL's words were stuck in my head and I was still scared at 20 weeks when the shower was offered (2) I had such a long aversion to showers due to IF and loss I felt weird having one (3) I'm kind of a shy person and it feels weird to say yes throw me a shower dammit and being the center of attention and asking for gifts. (4) Jack was not enthusiastic about me having one because he was struggling with the same fears. (5) I was planning to have a cultural rite of passage for the baby upon his birth where you throw a party and feed the poor to celebrate the baby's arrival.

So I said no. One never asked again. The other- did- and I hesitatingly said yes around week 28 because I was slowly believing in the pregnancy and Jack too thought I should have one. This friend was super excited and told me to send her a list of the guests and then had marital problems and moved out of town. She just got back into town last Friday and it appears her marriage is here to stay.

I get that it was my choice to say no to the baby shower offers. But the looks of pity that I'm not having one are starting to get to me. I miss the close friends I have that live far away that wouldn't have cared if I had said yes or no to their offer simply because they knew me and knew that sooner or later I'd regret not having one (as they pointed out numerous times, as did, ahem, many of you). I'm starting to regret it. I have most of what he needs- so its beyond a gift grab thing- it just feels I've somehow missed out an important acknowledgment.

I am having a post-baby celebration. At least that's the plan. Who knows how I'll feel once baby actually arrives and I'm working on no sleep? So this should be enough right? I'm possibly having lunch with the two girls who'd offered me a shower months earlier and part of me is tempted to backtrack and say I feel more comfortable now and if maybe in two weeks. . . but then, two weeks is not a long time to get a baby shower ready, I said no earlier, and its kind of too late, they'll be annoyed, the end of April I'll be 38 weeks pregnant, possibly already with baby in tow, so its too late.

Right?

Finding anger in silence

2010-04-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was kind of a rough day for me. Its the day I believe I lost Speck one year ago. I miscarried him a week later but yesterday was when all my symptoms disappeared and I had called my doctor in a state of panic telling her I felt the baby died. She dismissed it telling me symptoms can vanish with time. Later I dealt with a lot of anger at this dismissal though today I realize that even if she had taken me seriously, nothing could have been done to prevent the outcome.

I'm not sure what came over Sunflower yesterday but he decided yesterday was a great day to go from squirmy pokey jumpy baby into a hibernating bear. He just stopped moving. He has his on days and off days so for most of the day I thought nothing of it until later in the evening when I realized I hadn't really felt him move all day. So, I tried the usual things that get him moving, I poked him, drank cold water, jiggled my belly- nothing. Nothing. Before going to bed I listened to him on the cheapo doppler I bought and haven't used in weeks. I could hear a heartbeat but it sounded faint and in the 130's. Still- I told myself it was him and all was well. But I couldn't sleep well. I kept waking up, poking, pressing, prodding- nothing.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and around 3am I went downstairs to the fridge and pulled out a sickeningly sweet pineapple drink that as a diabetic I know I shouldn't drink but I felt desperate to feel the kid move so I drank half a glass and then half a glass of ice water. I went upstairs and lay down, waiting for something- and again- nothing. I stared at the clock it was 3:15. I felt rage building in me as tears slid down my face. I felt angry. Angry that it had to be today of all days that he grew quiet. Angry that I had to worry about whether he was alive or not. Angry that there are pregnant women right now who don't think bad things can happen to them and don't live with this type of fear. I looked at the crib, the glider, thought of all his onesies and Jack who had urged me not to buy so much until we were sure. And when would I be sure? I wondered. After child birth? After the SIDS danger zone passed? Or was it too late? I felt the anger might choke me as I pressed my hand on my quiet belly.

Jack woke up. He was equally concerned. We lay there discussing what to do. The heartbeat was there but should we still call the doctor? Five minutes later a gentle poke. Then another. In total about ten gentle taps and then silence.

Today he's back to his usual schedule. He's practicing his hula-hooping or whatever it is he does in there and turning my grateful womb into his punching bag. I'm not sure if I fell into a tailspin because he fell silent on the anniversary of my loss but I know that I am now officially staring at a kettle, waiting for it to boil- and well, we all know how that goes.

Anxiety

2010-04-05T14:38:00.000-07:00

My MFM appointment went well. The tech sucked and we got no pictures but the important thing is Sunflower is doing great. He was sucking his fingers, karate chopping me and taking in huge gulps of fluid but I was surprised by his heart rate,167, since its usually in the 140s. The doctor was not concerned saying that baby heart rates fluctuate. But I felt a little guilty.

You see, I hate to admit it, but I'm getting a little nervous. I hope that my nerves are not the reason his heart rate is higher and I'm trying to control the anxiety as best I can. According to what I've read preggos at my stage often feel needy, vulnerable and lonely in the final weeks to labor- I'm feeling exactly this. I can't figure out why. Jack is supportive, we've bought almost everything we'll need, and though my friend circle isn't what it was I have caring friends always a phone call away. So I should not be feeling these feelings.

It started Friday. Some friends were discussing planning a LOST finale party since its in the final season when it hit me: LOST ends May 27. Sunflower will be here! Then today at the MFM they mentioned they don't want me going past my due date and if my cervix is ripe they want to induce me at 39 weeks. That's three weeks away. My stomach is full of a thousand butterflies just typing that.

I can't make sense of the nerves. I want my baby. I've been waiting for years to meet him. So how can the knowledge that this is finally going to happen freaking me out? I think I'm anxious about labor, breastfeeding, knowing how to care for him, I mean sure I've read a ton of books but that's all theory. I'm nervous about how much we're spending and how I don't have a job. Nervous that the house is still messy post-painter and I lack the energy to clean as I should. Nervous because his nursery looks like a tragic war zone. Just flat out nervous and its seriously making me breathe shallow and my tummy hurt. And then this makes me nervous because I shouldn't be feeling this way and I wonder what is wrong with me? and I proceed to have anxiety about my anxiety!

My mom reminded me that most of what I'm doing is for me not him. He doesn't care about bed ruffles or monkeys on the walls, the perfect onesie, or how messy our living room is. He just wants to be loved, fed and have a place to sleep. I'm trying to reign in the anxiety by taking walks, deep breathing and figuring out what else to do. It's such a weird mind-body disconnect because I am anxiously counting down to the due date but now I'm also anxiously nervous about the due date.

I hesitate even posting this. I feel I've said all this before in many different ways and I probably sound ungrateful. While I may be repetitive I'm not ungrateful. I love Sunflower more than I knew I could. I don't want to feel this way- I just do. Sigh.

Braxton Hicks and Police Officers

2010-04-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

He's been quite active today. Hiccups, jumps, pokes, squirms. My stomach looks like an invisible person is using it as a water mattress. Along with it I get pressure like I'm having a period. It went on for 2-5 minutes and then went away, and then returned. Maybe its gas so I'm not calling my OB yet- but can you get this pressure during pregnancy? I have an MFM appointment tomorrow so I'm trying to wait it out. I've already discussed with little dude in full detail: two more weeks! Hopefully he's listening.

In unrelated news we woke up today to loud banging and ringing of our door. Jack opened the door. Two cops in two cop cars on our driveway asking to speak to ME. Apparently, our painter who nicely offered to take some of our trash bags to the dump when he went, illegally dumped the trash a mile down the road from our house and bills with my name were scattered for miles down the road. The cops were very concerned someone broke into our house, stole these bills and then scattered them a mile down the road. They then handed us our torn bills and left. So there are in fact two lessons to be gathered here (1) Shred your documents (2) If you want to live in a city where no real crime apparently happens resulting in two officers showing up to deliver trash to your home- live in my city.